What I Learned from Snails

Eighteen months ago, I was called to serve as a leader in the Young Women's organization at church. With this calling, I was also put in charge of Personal Progress. In the program, the leaders are encouraged to work on Personal Progress along with the girls. So, I chose to grow and maintain a vegetable garden over the summer to fulfill one of the projects. I learned more than I expected.

Part of the garden included a plan for a small pumpkin patch and I frequently checked on the progress of the plants. For two weeks, I watched the progress of the pumpkin plants with pride and anticipation for how great the pumpkins would be.

Then, one day I went out and noticed that one of the pumpkin plants had been chopped off. At least that's what I thought had happened. The second pumpkin plant looked slightly tattered and the leaves seemed to be torn. I was really confused and thought maybe it wasn't getting enough water. So, I made sure to leave the water on longer to give it a boost.

I went out the next day to check on the surviving plant and found it to had been chopped to the ground, too. At this point, I realized something wasn't right and began to look around the garden for signs of what had happened. That's when I came across several snails hiding in the flower bed next to the vegetable garden. That's when I realized, the pumpkin plants hadn't been cut and vandalized by some cruel neighbor. No, they had been eaten by the nasty snails in the garden. I was both furious and sad. My beautiful pumpkin plants were gone!

Once the cause of the problem was discovered, I left for the hardware store, purchased several bags of poison to take care of the snails, and also bought new pumpkin plants to replace the devoured patch. From that day on, I had a vendetta against slugs and snails and went through several bags of poison. Luckily, my abrasive actions and unwillingness to surrender allowed us to have the pumpkins we hoped for.

This turned into a great metaphor for me and I now understand why growing a garden is one of the suggested activities to learn more about faith. When I started the project, I thought the goal was to have faith that a seed would produce fruit or vegetables and that faith and a garden had to be constantly cared for. It turns out that the lesson I learned was deeper than I expected. Yes, faith must be cared for, just like a garden must be watered and weeded. The pumpkin plants represented the faith each of us have. Faith has potential to grow into something great, but we must be diligent. I was not diligent in protecting new pumpkin plants from snails that saw the plant as dinner. Worldly influences can be like the snails and slowly devour our faith if we don't protect ourselves and do the gospel basics to keep us strong like praying, reading the scriptures, and going to church.

If for some reason our faith is attacked and diminished, the Lord allows us to repent and start over. Just like I had to replant the pumpkins and continue to lay snail bait the rest of the summer, we also have the opportunity to make things right, adjust our course, and put up protective barriers to help us stay strong. It may take work and it may not always be easy, but the reward at the end is irreplaceable and so incredibly worth it!

Finding the Perfect Fit: What Shoe Shopping and Dating have in Common.

Have you ever been in a relationship and been dumped or watched a friend go through a relationship? You're not alone. For those who are currently going through this phase of their life, and even those who have graduated from being single, you can all relate to this analogy. Hopefully, this analogy will encourage those who are scared of relationships or rejection and help them find a fun way to look at their situation. 

Last year, one of my really good friends got into a relationship and  began to freak herself out about the whole thing. (I think it's a right of passage when you are in the dating world.) We had several conversations during her relationship—one of which led to a rather interesting analogy. Knowing that girls like to shop, I told her to look at dating like she shops for shoes.

Crazy, right? Not really. Think about how you shop for shoes. Do you go into the store, grab a box off the shelf, buy it without trying it on, and walk out? If you do, you're a minority, and with all due respect, probably crazy or have an obsession with making returns.

We all know different brands fit differently. A size 8 in Nike may not be the same size 8 in Adidas or Reebok. Leather fits differently than fabric. Sandals fit differently than tennis shoes. So, why would dating be any different? Each shoe is a new person to go on a date with. You don't pick a shoe up off the shelf immediately and put it on. You look at it and decide if you even like it enough to try it on. Taking a pair of shoes off the shelf doesn't mean you are purchasing the shoe. Going on a date with a person doesn't guarantee an offer of marriage. Thank goodness!

Once you decide you want to try the shoe on, you put it on and walk around the aisle to see how it fits. Not all shoes are made equal, just like not all dating matches are made equal. Sometimes personalities just don't click, just like some shoes won't work for your feet. Even if you put the shoe on, it doesn't mean you are buying the shoe.

Girls look for a second opinion before making a purchase. That's why we go shopping with friends, and shoe shopping is not an exception to this rule. This phase of the shoe shopping is no different than the potential significant other meeting friends and family. You're just getting a second opinion. At this point, you may take the shoe off, walk around some more in the shoe, or decide you want to make the purchase. Either way, you still haven't bought the shoe. The box can go back on the shelf at any time and you can choose to walk away.

When you do finally find a shoe that fits right, is the right price, and have your confirming second opinion from the friend or family you are shopping with, that's when you make the purchase. See how it fits? (No pun intended.)

So, next time you are freaking yourself out about a relationship, or know someone who is freaking themselves out about their relationship, just tell them they're shopping for shoes. Parts of the experience aren't always positive. (Just ask my mom—she hates going shoe shopping with me.) But, in the end it's worth the time spent when you walk out with a perfect fit. No one wants to go through life without shoes....ever. Imagine a 10 mile hike in bare feet. Ouch! That's why we have shoe stores!

Start shopping and have some fun. You don't have to purchase the shoes, just start browsing and see what happens.

My Most Cherished Memory

I've been taking writing workshops at work. One of the topics we were given to write about in a session was our most cherished memory. As I started writing, I realized I couldn't pin it down to just one. Instead, I ended up with a collection of cherished memories that centered around one theme. I've shared the memories that stood out first below.

Growing up we drove to Southern Alberta several times a year to visit my mom's parents. These car rides were  tedious because we were stuck in a car for 12 hours. However, they also left priceless time for making memories and bonding.

Shortly after CDs came out, my brother bought a transmitter that would connect to the car radio. We were listening to a CD and a song came on that my mom was not particularly a fan of. The chorus of the song, Return to Innocence, drove her crazy. Being the kids we were, we found it hilarious and made it a tradition to play the song during every road trip to Canada. The best part was my dad joined in. Instead of turning the radio off, he would turn the volume up. My mother never knew when the song would come, but when it did it was loud and we all sang along just to annoy her and entertain ourselves at the same time. This is one of those continuing experiences that we still laugh about as a family.

Every trip to Canada also involved staying with my grandparents. Their basement created a great area for kids to play games. One summer, we played roller blade hockey with ping pong balls and paddles in their basement, using old chairs as the goals. It's amazing we didn't break anything, including bones. My grandparents never got mad at us for the noise or the mess we made. I think they liked hearing the laughter and shouts coming up the stairs.

The last memory that stood out was a fall trip to Canada. My grandparents lived in an old neighborhood with big trees, so there were lots of leaves to rake. We spent hours raking the leaves into a large pile and then took turns jumping into them. I still remember my grandpa sitting on the porch laughing at the simplicity of our game and the joy it brought.

My family as of April 2013.

What do all these memories mean? It means time spent with my family produces my most cherished memories. There is more than one memory I can list, but at the root of each memory is my family. There's not much you can take with you when you leave this mortal existence. Family and your relationships with others is something you can take. The time I've spent with my family is my most cherished memory because it's continuous and never ends.

My family is part of what defines who I am. What helps define you? If you don't have an answer, take a few minutes and figure out what your most cherished memories are. Whatever is at the root, is most likely the thing that has impacted you the most for the better.

A Different Look at Valentine's Day

First, let me admit that Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday. When I was single the first time, I called it "Single's Awareness Day." I got so sick of seeing all the stuffed animals and heart candies in the store, and especially tired of all the commercials about jewelry (which is surprising because I like jewelry). Not only was it a reminder that, once again, no one was buying me flowers, but it also seemed so superficial. If you need Valentine's Day to show your special someone that you think they are special, then something is wrong with your relationship. You should be showing them how special they are on any day of the year because you want to, not because the calendar or commercials told you to.

I entered February trying to find a reason to like Valentine's Day. I even looked up the history of the stupid holiday and didn't manage to find anything that made it valid in my mind. It wasn't until I received one of Meg Johnson's monthly messages that something finally clicked.

For those of you who are like me and strongly dislike this holiday, let me present a new way of looking at it. Instead of focusing on the fact that you are single and no one is giving you jewelry or flowers, focus on the little things in life that people have done for you, or that you can do for them.

As I started thinking about Valentine's Day in this way, I remembered the numerous emails that I have received from people since I started this blog, most of whom I barely know or don't know at all. I have received messages of thanks for sharing my story. Others have offered encouragement and support. These messages have picked me up when I needed it most. It's been truly touching.

So, in my new spirit of Valentine's Day, I would like to thank each of you who have supported me or lifted me in one way or another. You've been a little miracle in my life. When I started this blog, I didn't think anyone would read it, or that it would make a difference. It's funny how things work themselves out, even if it is in some small and simple way.

My challenge to you for this Valentine's Day is that instead of feeling bad that you are, once again, facing this holiday alone, find someone to serve. Trust me, it will make all the difference in the world. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to look at Valentine's Day a little differently too.

The Blessing of Children

As I've gotten older, I often feel like some of the magic has left things like Christmas, Disneyland, and especially snow. The last few months, I've been reminded of just how magical life can be because there's nothing like seeing the world through a child's eyes.

I went to Disneyland with my sister's family in October. I never tire of Disneyland, but there is a new element added when you are there with an 18 month old and a 4 year old. Watching them was so much fun! There was excitement and wonder in their faces as they discovered the magic of Disney.

We just celebrated Christmas. My youngest niece would gasp every time she opened a present. It didn't matter if it was a toy or clothing. She gasped! How often do you gasp with excitement for every gift you receive?

Tubing with my niece and nephew.

I usually am not a fan of snow. It's cold and wet, and in turn, makes me wet and cold. My nieces are up from Arizona and absolutely love the snow. They were so excited that there were snowflakes falling from the sky and had to make sure every one knew about it. We played in the snow and we took them tubing. I haven't been tubing in years, but I was reminded of how much fun it was.

The lesson in all this? Don't forget the magic of childhood. More importantly, make time for the things that matter most, like family and making memories that will last.

In the end, it's your relationship with others that matters most. 
So make the most of it.

Come Thou Fount

Artwork by Greg Olsen

Have you ever noticed that trials come as packages? The familiar saying, "When it rains, it pours" is frequently used to describe life's trials. I have found when it comes to dealing with trials, you can choose to go one of two ways. The first path is to become angry and bitter and turn away from the Lord. The second is to become more humble and accepting of the Lord's will.

Sometimes I struggle to feel positive about my situation. However, my frustrations have never been directed at the Lord. I've never considered turning away. Slowly, but surely, I'm learning to hand my will over to my Father in Heaven and accept His plan for me. I'm learning to laugh at the situations I've been in, mainly because sometimes the only thing left to do IS laugh.

Lately I've been very overwhelmed with juggling work, school, my church calling, and chores around the house. Trying to find that balance is difficult, yet the Lord will make up the difference. One of my favorite hymns is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. The message contained in that song is beautiful. It speaks of mercy from heaven, angels' protection, the atonement, and ends with handing your heart over to the Lord. What a testimony this song is of the Lord's love for each of us.

My hope is that if you are going through trials, you will choose to take the path that leads to a humble heart and accepting the Lord's will. I'm a firm believer in the power of music. So, if you are struggling with which path to choose in your own struggle with trials, listen to this song and see where your heart takes you. You don't have to be perfect. That's why the Savior gave His life for us and provided a way for each of us to be forgiven and return to Him.

Half Empty or Half Full?

I recently watched Disney's Finding Nemo with my nieces and nephews. I love the story they tell in this movie because there are so many moments that relate to life. In the movie, Marlin is searching for his son and meets another fish named Dory. Marlin and Dory are complete opposites.

Marlin is very realistic and synical, what some would call a pessimist. Dory, on the other hand, is happy and intensely optimistic. Toward the end of the show, Marlin and Dory are inside a whale and the water starts to go down in the whale's mouth. Marlin starts to get upset and states, "The water's going down! Look, it's already half empty."

Dory immediately responds, "Huh, I'd say it's more half full." Dory is a great example of someone who makes the best of every situation, no matter what.

I'm sure you've all heard the question posed, "Is the glass half empty? Or, is the glass half full?"Next time you take a look at a glass, ask yourself that question, "Which is it, half empty or half full?"

If you are constantly looking at the glass half empty, you will most likely view life the same way. There is no reason for a glass not to be considered half full. Start calling it that, and soon it will stick.

Even on your toughest days, find something, anything to start filling that glass. You'll be surprised at the effect it will have. Be a Dory, and watch how it spreads to others.

Heroes

"Every once in a while, someone comes into our life who 

changes us for the better and makes a lasting impact. 

We call these people heroes. . ."

I don't share this video to brag about how amazing my father was. He was one of the most humble people you would ever meet. I share this because my father is the perfect example of someone who was a hero to so many people, yet did so in small ways. You don't have to be flashy or do something big to be noticed. You don't have to risk your life. You have the ability to be a hero to someone by the small and simple things you do each day.

My heart goes out to all those heroes, especially those in the armed forces, who have risked and still do risk their lives each day to protect the freedoms we so frequently take for granted. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made!

Heroes come in all shapes and sizes.

Who will you be a hero for?

Lessons Learned in Cincinnati

Recently, I had the opportunity to go to Cincinnati, Ohio for work to help at a booth for a conference. As my coworker and I were walking into the convention center on day two, we were greeted by one of the building staff members. He smiled his contagious smile and asked how we were. We responded with a simple “Good. How are you?”  His response surprised me. Amazingly, his smile got even bigger and he replied, “Blessed! Truly blessed!”

Now that may sound corny, but this guy was so sincere with his response that I couldn’t help but believe him and smile. I had expected, “Good. Thanks for asking.” It’s a common greeting that really means nothing anymore. This gentleman gave me an answer I couldn’t help but hear and personally respond to. He didn’t say just “good” or “fine.” He was feeling blessed and wanted to share that with everyone around him. He probably had no idea how contagious his attitude would be, but his response and overwhelming excitement will never be forgotten. What an awesome reminder that we really are truly blessed!

I had a similar experience with another lady that I met while there. She was a staff member at one of the restaurants we had eaten at a couple of times. The first time we went there, she was preparing the food orders and as we were leaving, she flashed her contagious smile and hollered at us with her fun accent, “Ya’ll have a Happy Mother’s Day! Don’t forget Sunday is Mother’s Day!” We talked to her the next day as we were waiting for our food. She shared her story about significant struggles in her personal and family life. I was amazed she could be so happy and caring. What a charming lady! She was determined to leave a lasting impact on the people she served food to. I can tell you, she was succeeding and loving every minute of it.

What an awesome experience. It was a good reminder that we may not be able to control the situations around us, but we can control our attitude and outlook on life. This man and woman provided me a service without meaning to or even realizing it.

It’s all in your attitude. What will yours be? If you stop to think about it, we really are all blessed.

Truly Blessed!

Count Your Blessings

It's amazing how much can happen in a year. A year ago today I received a phone call telling me my husband had been killed in a car accident. It's hard to believe I've been a widow for a year.

I've reflected a lot on the person I've become since getting that call. I've felt peaceful and calm all day today, which is a miracle and a blessing. Rather than crying and wishing I had a different lot in life, my mind has been filled with the words to the hymn "Count Your Many Blessings."

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings; Name them one by one.

Count your many blessings; See what God hath done.

 

For some reason, that song really hit home this week – especially today. I'd be lying if I said I never felt like I'd been tossed around in the storm of life or that I was being asked to go through too much. Richard G. Scott addresses this well. "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. . . they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching. This life is an experience in trust in Jesus Christ." ("Trust in the Lord")

Life tosses us in a tempest, but the Lord is there to calm the storm. Everyone has burdens, but the Lord is there to help carry the load. No matter the conflict, God is there. Angels WILL attend and help and comfort will be given. Could we ask for better blessings? 

What good does it do to sit and only think about all the negative in your life? I have plenty of reason to complain. I became a widow after seven and a half months of a marriage filled with trials and a husband facing multiple health challenges. I unexpectedly lost my dad 3 months later. Like everyone else, I have personal trials. In spite of all that, I have so many blessings: a fantastic job that I love, an amazing family, great friends, and a testimony of the gospel. I know that families are eternal. What wonderful blessings!!!

I dare you to stay discouraged and depressed while listing all the many blessings in your life. If you can't think of anything, start small. Perhaps the sun is shining. Maybe you got to sleep in. Perhaps you saw the first tulip blooming in your yard. These are all blessings. Start a list and see what God has done for you.

I am not wallowing in self pity today. Instead, I have been filled with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love! I am so blessed. I've been a widow for a year, but I've survived. I'm stronger than I was last year at this time. I know more than I did a year ago. I feel like I'm starting a new beginning, and what better time to start anew than spring. I know Reed and my dad are OK, and amazingly enough, I know that I will be OK, too! 

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Learning from the Grand Canyon

The Grand Canyon from the airplane window.

A couple of weeks ago I flew down to Phoenix to visit my sister for a quick trip. As I was flying home, I got to see the Grand Canyon from the window of the airplane as the sun was rising. I've flown over the Grand Canyon multiple times, but never in the early morning. I could see the layers upon layers of rock, the sharp ridges, and the varying shades of red and brown. I always felt like I was looking at a map when I flew over it before. The rising sun gave me a whole new perspective of that Canyon. I was struck at just how big it was and I started to think about how long it took for the Grand Canyon to become that majestic. Those thoughts reminded me of a talk given during the October General Conference last year of how each of us is a house the Lord is building. We may be looking to become a cottage, while the Lord is rebuilding us to be a mansion or castle.

The Grand Canyon wasn't a big, spectacular site when the world started. Erosion happened over hundreds of thousands of years. It probably started out like a little stream. I'm not sure of all the water, wind and earthquakes that it took to make such a large crevice in the earth, but I'm sure it wasn't an easy transformation. Imagine being the Grand Canyon with thousands of years passing while the water and wind are slowly wearing you down. I'd feel beat up, tired, and happy to just stay that little stream – comfortable with it. So, why change? I'm sure that little stream had no idea that it would become one of the wonders of the world. The rock bed that was slowly worn away had no idea of the beauty that would be revealed.

How are we any different? We start out this life like a little stream flowing pleasantly down a rock bed. With each storm the water flows faster, breaking away rocks and wearing the stream deeper. Each of us are being reshaped and transformed into a personal, majestic work of art. We don't see it now, but it's happening. With each trial, each struggle, each heartache, we are being transformed by the Lord to learn and grow and prove ourselves worthy. We are spiritual beings having a mortal experience on earth. We came hear to learn. We may not always like or appreciate the lesson being taught at the time, but hind sight is 20/20.

Just like a piano student hates to practice when they first start learning to play, each of us won't enter willingly into some of life's trials. However, just like a piano student who keeps practicing will come to love playing the piano, so will each of us look back on our mortal experience with fondness because of what we have become.

Unfortunately, this life wasn't meant to be easy. Fortunately, we have not been asked to go through this life alone.

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."

~ How Firm A Foundation, LDS Hymn Book, Verse 3 ~

Kink In Your Think?

The other night I was helping take down the last of the Christmas decorations, which basically consisted of the Charlie Brown tree Reed and I had bought for our first Christmas together. As I was taking it apart, I was struggling with the stand. I managed to get one of the three legs out without much trouble, but on leg two when I finally pulled it free, it scratched and bruised the palm of my hand. I had a goose egg building and as was natural I said "Ow-ee." Then I started to laugh at how I had hurt myself, and as only a girl could understand, the laughs turned into tears and I began to cry. I had a 180 degree flip in emotion. Oh, the joys of working through the grief cycle! The tears I had held in all through Christmas finally came out, all because Dad and Reed weren't there to pull that stupid tree stand apart and I had hurt myself trying to do what had been their job. At that realization, my mind went back to when I bashed my head under the stairs trying to pull out all of the Christmas decorations and the near concussion I had given myself. That just made me cry harder. Where was my dad when I needed him?!

Later that night as I was trying not to feel sorry for myself and the situation, I sat myself down in front of the television. To my delight, the Disney Pixar short films was on one of the channels so I started watching it. One of the first ones that came on was "Boundin". In Boundin', there is a sheep that dances around and has lots of friends. He gets carried away and shaved and put back, after which all his animal friends laugh at him because he's pink and fur-less. As he's sitting there feeling sorry for himself, a Jack-a-lope comes hopping by and stops to talk to him. As the sheep explains his predicament the Jackalope says, ". . . Now sometimes you're up, and sometimes your down. When you find that your down, well just look around. Ya still got a body, good legs and fine feet. Get your head in the right place and hey you're complete. . ."

For some reason that gave me a gentle reminder. I was fighting the sadness and discouragement, but it was creeping in. Who knew a rabbit with antlers could make so much sense?! I may not love my situation every minute of every day, but as long as I'm pushing to look around when I'm down, I'll be able to find something to help lift me up.

Grandpa Ray Johansen with my sisters & me

It's all a matter of where your mindset is. It's easier said than done to get your head in the right place and keep it there. Trust me, I know. But I also know that it is possible.

My Grandpa was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before my mom was born. He spent the greater part of his life in a wheelchair without the use of his body from the waist down. Despite that challenge, he was always cheerful, looked for opportunities to serve others, and when he got sick and was in the hospital, he was the nurses' favorite. He'd order Chinese food for the staff, tell jokes, and keep a pleasant demeanor. He had every reason in the world to justify being bitter. He'd lost the use of his legs, he suffered from sores, among other things. But his mind was sharp. He was cheerful and he made an effort to let the cheer spread to others. When life got him down he got his head in the right place.

If he can do it, so can I! I promise, you can too, if you try.

Our Greatest Fear

Do you ever worry about failing or not being good enough for a task placed in front of you? Do you ever worry that you are inadequate? You're not alone!

 

I'm starting a new job in January. I'm excited for the new opportunity and like any new job, I feel nervous about my ability to meet expectations set by my new team and myself. Maybe it's just me, but I'm afraid of failing. As I was contemplating this dilemma and trying to decide what I was so nervous about, this poem came to my mind: 

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 ~ Marianne Williamson ~

How true that quote is! How completely ironic! What an interesting idea that we really aren't afraid of being inadequate, but actually going beyond what we thought possible. Why are we afraid of setting the bar higher? Why are we so afraid of striving for the potential that lies inside us?

 

The Lord has placed us on this earth to learn and have experiences that will help us grow and gain knowledge. We truly have power beyond our imagining, but we can't grow into that ability if we don't allow ourselves that chance. It's like the parable of the talents in the New Testament. The servant who buried his talents lost them. LDS.org Parable of the talents

 

So what if you don't succeed the first time you try something! How many times did it take Thomas Edison to succeed in creating a light bulb? It's OK to fail, just learn from your mistakes and keep pushing beyond your fear of being inadequate. Allow your light to shine! Allow yourself to realize the power and ability you hold within and embrace it!

 

Reach for the stars and eventually you will hit them.

What Not To Say

For months I have been telling friends at some point I would write a blog on what not to say to someone who has just lost their spouse. In essence, a "Funerals and Viewings 101 - What NOT to Say." I'm sharing my knowledge from real world experience.

Rule #1 - When in a viewing line, don't approach the wife (or husband) of the deceased and ask if they are the other sibling. I'm not joking! I had this happen at my husband's viewing. Last I checked, the wife stands closest to the open casket, not the sister. When in doubt, just don't ask.

Rule #2  - When talking to the newly widowed at the viewing and/or funeral, don't push them to remarry, consider remarriage, or ask if they plan to remarry. The person has just lost their spouse. I promise you, getting remarried is the farthest thing from their mind. You may be happy in your second marriage after losing your spouse, but when there is a body in a casket next to the widow, that is NOT the time to bring up getting married. Death is not like being dumped. You can't just go home, eat a gallon of ice cream, and start dating the next day. Especially for girls, we need time to heal.

Rule #3 - Viewings and funerals can be awkward for those who haven't dealt with that situation much. The best thing you can do at a viewing is just take the person's hand and give it a squeeze. You don't have to say anything. Let them know you are there, let them know you care, and you can do all of this without opening your mouth. Heck, you can even hug them if you know them. If you feel the need to say something, don't talk about how good the dead person looks in the casket. I promise you, the family probably thinks the body in the casket hardly resembles the family member they lost. Don't say the dead person could be sleeping and don't tell them the person's spirit is sitting on the casket. If you are going to speak, say you are sorry for their loss or tell them something nice about the individual who has passed away and leave it at that.

Rule #4 - When you see the newly widowed after the funeral, whether it's weeks or months after, don't bring up their need to remarry. Don't ask them how the single's scene is. Don't ask if they are out dating. Chances are, they aren't being incredibly social, they aren't dating, and they are still not ready to consider going out on a date. Don't ask, don't offer to set them up, and don't assume. If they are out dating or wanting to date, they will bring it up when they are ready.

Rule #5 - Three months after the funeral is typically when the shock wears off and reality sets in. Denial has completely left and the realization that the widow really lost a spouse sets in. Most people make the mistake thinking that three months is enough time to heal and move on. I'm here to tell you, it's not. Three months is usually when things start to get tough. You have to start to find that new normal in life, without your spouse. People asked me how I was doing all the time. I told them and still tell them I am hanging in there, pushing through, surviving, etc. But for the first 3-4 months, what really went through my head was, "Seriously? How would you be doing?" You are welcome to ask, but know it's a stupid question. Either you will get an honest answer that you won't know how to respond to, or you will get fed a lie. Take your pick.

Now that I've given you the DO NOT's, here are some DO's

DO - Call and just listen. Someone going through the loss of a spouse needs to talk. Sometimes they will laugh, sometimes they will cry, and sometimes they may just vent and be angry. The point is, they need to talk. They need to relive the memories that were good and work through their grief. My mom has cousins and siblings that call her to talk and listen. I have a friend who has been awesome to let me talk about the same frustrations and the same happy memories over and over again. She never gets annoyed or complains. She knows I need to talk about it, remember the good times, and sort through the cluster of feelings.

DO - Invite them to do things. Start small. They won't be ready for a big social event. Take them to lunch, visit the spa, or go shopping with them. Get them out of the house and help them build new memories. Mention other social functions they are welcome to attend, but don't pressure them to join. Don't get frustrated if they decline every time, just keep offering. They will come when they are ready.

DO - Share pictures and stories of the deceased. Chances are, you may share something new that will become a treasure to the widow. The stories I love best are the one's that help me remember how much Reed cared for me.

The most important thing you can do is constantly care about them, make an effort to stay in contact with them, and offer encouragement and strength.

Be patient and remember: it takes time for the grieving heart to heal.

A New Perspective

Do you ever feel like you are fighting a losing battle? I do, more often than I'd like to admit. I have learned a valuable lesson over the last two weeks, one I hope I never forget.

Life is full of teaching moments it seems. Most lessons are not welcomed at the time they are being taught. Some, I think we bring upon ourselves. Others, I believe the Lord places before us for reasons beyond our understanding. The lesson I have learned over the last two weeks is one I have brought upon myself, but one the Lord guided me through with the help of some very dear friends.

I have come to know that Satan's best way of getting at me is through discouragement and self-doubt. Since before my husband passed away I have considered creating a vocal CD of hymn arrangements. At the time, it was a fleeting dream, but there wasn't much ambition behind it. After Reed passed, the ambition for the CD came as a promise of healing for me and others beyond my limited view. When my father passed, the idea of releasing my own CD became a stronger ambition. Two weeks ago, I made the mistake of allowing self-doubt to enter my mind. I made the mistake of comparing my talents to others. It was a foolish thing to do. Every person that walks this earth is unique, has unique gifts and talents, and has a special purpose and mission in this life. To compare oneself to another only destroys what God has intended for each of us. The apostles constantly warn of the dangers of comparing oneself to another. We should cherish the gifts we have and strive to develop new ones. Not get caught up in what we don't have, or what we wish we had. I fell into the trap of comparing.

I began talking to a friend about my lack of confidence and questioned why I would be crazy enough to even consider releasing a CD. She told me to stop comparing myself to other people, told me that if I had the desire I should do it and not worry if the CD was a success or not. She offered such positive advice, unfortunately it took a few more days to sink in. I had just about talked myself out of trying when I had a talk with another friend. Something clicked during that discussion. She also talked about the dangers of comparing myself to others. She reminded me that it was a slippery slope to a downward spiral. She then turned her focus to asking why I had initially wanted to try to release a CD. I shared my desire to help myself heal from the trauma of the last year, as well as the hope that the music would help others find peace, hope and healing as well. She then asked me a simple question that had a huge impact.

"If your goal is to offer hope and healing to others, 

shouldn't success be measured by helping even one person?"

For some reason, phrasing it that way finally knocked some sense into me. I suddenly realized it didn't matter if I sold 1, 100 or even 1,000 CDs. It didn't matter if I had an amazing voice that would top the charts. What mattered was the message and the feeling behind the words. When I do manage to arrange music, I feel guided toward the melody. I never feel I can claim the ownership of the arrangement because I know I had help, it's never all me. The music is a way for me to share my testimony with others. Even if I only get rid of one CD, I will have succeeded. My testimony will have reached at least one person, and if my prayers are answered, in some way, the music on the CD will help that one person find hope and healing at some point during their mortal journey.  As soon as that

"Let Your Light So Shine" by Simon Dewey

realization clicked, the discouragement I had felt for two weeks was gone! Even if I only touched one person, I would make a difference somehow.

I don't know what the Lord has planned for me. I don't know what lies ahead on my path. I do know that He is there guiding me, He is guiding each of us. We are never left alone! What a blessing to know that we are loved that much by a Heavenly Father! We are destined for greater things!

As I was sitting in sacrament today, I opened the Hymn book and it just happened to open to one of my dad's favorite hymns, "How Firm a Foundation". I have often read versus three, four, and five, but for some reason today, I was drawn to verse 7:

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

What a strong reminder. Before, I had wondered if the Lord was hearing my prayers. Everything clicked today. He was there, He had heard. He had answered my prayers through friends who cared for me. He had helped me piece the puzzles together to remind myself that I should not doubt the testimony I have been given. Satan is giving his best shot at pulling me down, I have a renewed desire singing inside of me, "I'll never, no never, no never forsake!" God lives and loves each of us. He is there and He hears our prayers. He may not come when we call, but He will come on time!

Make Me A Spoon!

I heard this poem once in Young Women's a long time ago. It's called "Make Me A Spoon"

All silverware is made to serve, but the different pieces serve in different ways.
 

Forks stab.  "This is mine," they say.  Bits of meat, carrots, pickles, salad and cheese.  "This, this and  this are mine," says the fork. "Everything for me, me, me."  And soon every last morsel on the plate has been pinned by the spear of the selfish fork.
 

Knives cut.  "Too big," says the knife.  Slice.  Cut.   Chop.  Dice. Everything must change its shape to satisfy the whim of the knife. Nothing is right as it is.  Everything needs paring down, carving or separating.
 

Spoons serve:  cereal, soup, peas -- all the impossible foods can be handled comfortably from the
smooth bowl of the spoon.  Spoons say, "Here, let me help you.  We can manage together." 

MAKE ME A SPOON, LORD!

I don't know about you, but often in my prayers I ask the Lord to guide me to someone that I might serve. There are many quotes and scriptures about losing yourself in service to overcome your own troubles. Having tested this theory early in life, I knew after my husband passed away that it would work again. I needed opportunities to serve others, I wanted to be a spoon. Opportunities are everywhere, we just have to look for them and follow the Spirit. One thing I have learned in praying for opportunities, if you are serious about wanting to serve, then you need to act on the promptings you receive.

I don't know why the poem about silverware stuck with me. Maybe it's because I have met people that are so concerned about themselves that they don't stop to see the world around them (Fork People). I have also met people that are never happy with what they have and always want things to change or people to change to fit their needs (Knife People). Then there are the earthly angels (Spoon People). You probably know many of them. Spoon People always uplift and never cut you down,  they will drop everything to help someone, even a stranger. They are people who are OK with a phone call in the middle of the night just because a friend needs a listening ear. Spoons are a great metaphor for service.

I had an opportunity one day after work to be a spoon. I was leaving work later than usual and as I was walking out of my building an older gentleman stopped me. He seemed distressed and very embarrassed. He was struggling financially and had some medical issues. The more he explained, the more embarrassed he became. He was very quick to say he was not requesting money, but asked if I would be willing to buy him a sandwich because he hadn't eaten all day. I agreed to buy him dinner and started walking toward the cafe inside my office building. The poor guy was very embarrassed that he was asking for help and asked if I would get him the food and bring it out. I went in, bought him food, and brought it out to him. I also told him about the Bishop's store house and suggested that he go there and they might be able to help him. He kept thanking me for my kindness and further explained that he had been praying for the Lord to guide him to someone that would help him.

I haven't seen that man back on the Plaza outside Temple Square. I don't know what led him to Temple Square. I don't know what happened to him after we parted. What I do know is this, that morning I had prayed for an opportunity to serve someone in need and my prayer was answered. I was able to offer a ray of sunshine to someone who had been pleading for help. It was a simple thing to buy a stranger a sandwich, especially compared to the sacrifice the Savior made for each of us. I am so grateful that the Lord was able to answer my prayer and give me a chance to serve a stranger. I had a chance to be a spoon. What will you be?

Just Keep Paddling

Last week I went on vacation with my mom and my brother and his family. We went up to the beautiful paradise that is Waterton Lakes National Park, Alberta, Canada. Growing up, Waterton was like a second home to me. We had a great time but it was very different not having my dad there. All part of finding a new normal and adjusting.

Heading out from Farmer's Bay for our kayaking adventure.

While we were there, my brother decided we should go on the kayaking trip he had done two years ago. So, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my cousin, and I all went. We started the trip on a beautiful, calm, clear morning. The lower lake was smooth as glass, which is highly unusual for Waterton because there is ALWAYS wind. It was beautiful! The sun was shining, there were very few clouds in the sky, it was a perfect day for a kayaking trip. Or so we thought. . .

Scott, Tyler, Stacy and Jenny on Lower Waterton Lake. 
Jason is taking the picture. This is one of the last pictures we
took before his camera died.

About an hour in, we heard thunder out on the prairie. When the lightning started, my brother told us to keep to the shore line so that we wouldn't become lightning rods out in the middle of the lake with aluminum oars. So, we stuck to the shore for safety's sake. The storm rolled in VERY fast. We were paddling about 10 yards off the shore when a huge wind storm started up. We hastily pulled out, dragged the 5 kayaks to a tree, and made a shelter. It started to rain just as the last kayak was put into place. Storms normally pass quickly in Waterton, so we weren't too concerned and just planned to wait out the wind. At this point, we couldn't just end the trip. We weren't anywhere near a road for my mom to meet us and pick up the kayaks, so we had to keep going.  Just as the wind died down, the hailstorm started. I must say, kayaks make pretty good shelters for hailstorms.

Once the storm passed, we hopped back in the kayaks and called my mom to tell her we would be 20 minutes later than planned because we had to pull out and asked her to pick us up at a pull out closer than the original pick-up location. As we started paddling again, I realized just how tired my arms were. My cousin, Scott, and my sister-in-law, Stacy, were close to my kayak. I jokingly stated that this experience of paddling in the rain had to be a metaphor for life. Stacy laughed and said, "Surely I could use this in a gospel doctrine lesson!" And we kept paddling, hoping the river would show up soon so we could get out before the rain got worse.

Our luck for the trip held out. We got to the pull out and talked with two fisherman there that said the road was closed and they had to hike in. Jason, my brother, made another call to my mom and told her to go back to plan A. We continued on the river, all of us tired. Half way through the river we encountered another hailstorm. This time, there was no where for us to pull out. I've never been caught in a hailstorm without shelter, but I pity those who have now. I know what it's like to have pea-sized hailstones pelting your bare arms. Luckily I had a baseball cap and sunglasses on so I could still see. However, when the wind picked up with the hailstones, I had to put the nose of my kayak into the bank. My cousin Scott was with me and I told him if I was going to make it to the end of the lake, I wouldn't be able to paddle against the wind. He anchored with me and waited out the hailstorm.

The pull-out at Knight's Lake. My mom took this picture
to show the "Soaked Ragamuffins" at the end of the trip.

 We finally got out of the river and onto the last lake. It's amazing how close a shore can look and yet be so far away. We saw the two cars watching for us on the lookout and I knew the end was in sight. I was so close to being done kayaking in the rain. We were drenched, hungry, and cold. We started cutting across the lake and my mom was waving at us. I was exhausted at this point and really didn't want to keep pulling. I was so tempted to just stop and let the wind blow me wherever it wanted to. I mentioned this to my cousin and he so wisely said, "Well Jenny, if you are going to do that, you may as well paddle all the way back to the beginning." I cringed at that thought, put my focus on my mom and started singing, "Just keep paddling. Just keep paddling. Just keep paddling, paddling, paddling." Over and over again, until I reached the shore. Our two hour trip turned into three and a half hours. That was the end of my kayaking trips for the week.

This kayaking trip, in a way, represents the last year of my life. The journey started out smooth, calm, beautiful and exciting. That was last summer for me when I got engaged and married. Then the storms hit. My husband, Reed, started getting very ill. The first hailstorm represented Reed's car accident and passing. My family, friends, and the temple provided shelter from that storm. Just like you can't stop living and give up, we had to get back in the kayaks and start paddling again. Our journey wasn't done. The rain continued, but we pressed forward with the end goal in mind. The second hailstorm was my dad's passing. We had no choice but to face it and keep moving. I stopped momentarily, but I didn't give up. The final leg of the journey on the river and the second lake in the rain represents what I'm pushing through now.

My picture of triumph. I made it through!

I've had two really big hailstorms in my life in the last six months, but I've had to keep paddling. My end goal is to obtain the blessings of eternity, to be with Reed and my dad again! Life is full of storms, whether it is rain, hail, snow, or thunder. We are all on the kayak trip of life. I was reminded that I can do hard things, I can keep paddling when I feel like giving up. I was reminded that I can face hard things and keep paddling!

I got in the kayak that morning looking forward to a nice calm ride. I got so much more! That experience keeps coming back to me. On my toughest days, when I want to give up, I hear myself singing, "Just keep paddling" while kayaking in a storm across a lake.

It IS possible. The trip WILL end. The blue skies WILL return. 

JUST KEEP PADDLING!

Press Forward

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with life? I sure do. After so much happens in your life, how do you find a new normal? The simple, but frustrating answer, TIME and PATIENCE. Two things I have a love-hate relationship with.

I've always struggled with patience. If things weren't happening fast enough for me, I'd figure out a way to speed up the process. My dad told me once that I often created opportunities for myself when one didn't seem to be available, and it frequently wore him out. I'm annoyingly impatient when I want to know something. I like to have a plan for myself. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, my plans are NEVER the Lord's plans. I definitely don't understand the Lord's path for me when it's slowly placed brick by brick. I don't have the benefit of the yellow brick road that I can see forever and know exactly where I'm going. I live by what I call "Blind Faith". Let me explain, because I'm pretty sure my definition will be different than most people.

My life is a prime example of not being able to see the full path ahead. It's like I have a candle in my hand and all I can see in front of me is maybe half a step. I call it "Blind Faith" because I have faith that the Lord will lead me where I need to go and won't let me stray off the path as long as I am doing my part, however, I can't see the step I'm about to take. I'm blind to where my foot will land half the time, but I try to have the faith to take that step anyways. Sometimes I feel like the Lord has to push me a little to take that step, but whether I'm completely ready or not, that step happens. Hind site is 20/20 though. Look back at your experiences and you'll start to see where the Lord has brought you, why He brought you there, what you have learned and how you have grown. Patience I believe is one of my life-long trials that I will continually be learning.

Time is an interesting thing. If you consider you have 24 hours in a day, how do you divide that up? How do you spend your time? On average we sleep 6 to 10 hours of each day. If you have a full-time job, you are working 8 to 9 hours of that day. Where does family come in? Hobbies? Education? Religion? Do you spend your spare time gaming? Facebooking? Do you even interact with others? Or is your face and hands glued to some gadget like a phone or an iPad? We will be accountable for every minute we spend, how will your report card in heaven look? Will you be able to say you spent your time developing your talents and serving others? How many memories will you have to look back on with your family? Both my husband and my father were taken from this life very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I'd give anything to have more time with both of them on this earth because I miss them desperately, but I know this was God's will and I will have eternity to be with them again.

My dad is a perfect example of someone who used his time wisely. He lived just over 60 years. In that 60 years he graduated with a BS degree from BYU, got married, raised a family of 4, helped pay for piano lessons, vocal lessons, dance lessons, etc to develop his children's talents. He took his family on vacations, spent time serving others and working to cultivate a beautiful garden, he taught his kids how to work hard, how to finish a job, and how to offer their time serving others as well. He taught us how to treat our mother and how to love others, he was my ultimate example of a patient individual. His family came first before work. There was no question to if he loved each child and my mom. We knew he did. His time was shorter than most on this earth, but he used it wisely. I hope I can say as much for myself when I have to answer for my time.

I've struggled a lot lately with emotions and wanting to take that next step forward on the path. It's true that after someone passes that is close to you, everyone else can go on with their life, things go back to normal for them. However, for the people most intimately effected by the change or loss, normal is gone. A new normal has to be developed. How do you find that normal? I think the answer will be different for each person. But there is one similarity, a path must be chosen. Some will chose the path of least resistance. They sit and wait for life to act upon them because they feel discouraged and give up or don't know where to start rebuilding. Others wake up each day, face the world, and set goals to achieve. I can promise you that choosing to act, instead of choosing to be acted upon, will yield far better results and lead to happiness faster. If you aim for nothing, you WILL hit it.

I've been reading a book for work and there is a quote in it that I thought was very fitting:

"When we begin with the end in mind, we have a personal direction to guide our daily activities, without which we will accomplish little toward our own goals. Beginning with the end in mind is part of the process of personal leadership."

~ Stephen Covey ~

After my husband passed away, I decided it was time to learn a new instrument, so I am attempting to learn the cello. It's going slower than I originally planned, as my life took another turn in crazy when my dad passed away. It's a release. Since my dad passed away, I've started gardening, mainly out of necessity, but I'm finding I really enjoy it. I'm also looking at getting a Master's degree. My "end in mind" is a new normal that I can be happy with, that will help develop my skills and make me a better instrument in the Lord's hands. An end that will make both my husband and my dad proud! An end that will eventually lead me back to my Heavenly Father's presence!

FIND AN END IN MIND & REACH FOR IT!

Little Miracles

Life is full of little miracles, also known as tender mercies. If you look at your day, I'm sure you will find something that could be considered a miracle. Here are just a few little miracles that I have noticed since the passing of my father just one week ago.

Miracle #1 - My father loved to garden, so our yard is full of flowers. A few days ago as I was walking out to get the mail, I noticed a large butterfly flying around the flower bed and landing on the newly opened lilies. The butterfly was beautiful, with bright yellows and a hint of blue at the tip of its wings. I ran inside to get my camera, expecting the butterfly to be gone by the time I got back out. Much to my surprise the butterfly was still there, and held still long enough on a lily for me to snap a picture. I considered this a miracle of life and beauty. It was like a little gift from the Lord reminding me that there are beautiful things in this world still and my dad would want me to enjoy them.



Miracle #2 - Do you ever wonder if you are like someone? Most kids seem to dread becoming like their parents. I must be the exception to that rule. I would consider it a compliment to be like either of them and to be compared to them. One thing I always wanted was to have a green thumb like my dad. Generally speaking, I kill plants. For the last 3 weeks I have successfully kept all of my dad's house plants alive! I am now also taking a bigger part in keeping up the yard and have managed to not kill the grass yet, even though the sprinkler system is out of commission in the front yard. I guess I'm slowly getting that green thumb.

My dad loved to back in to parking spaces and the driveway. He always said it made it easier to get out, especially when there was a crowd. My dad helped teach me how to drive so I guess I've picked up some of his abilities. Last week I had to pull my dad's truck in to make more parking space available. In true "dad-fashion" I backed the truck out of the driveway and reversed it onto the gravel. I had another "dad" moment tonight at the fireworks show. My mom was so confused at what I was doing until I had finished parking the car and exclaimed how proud dad would be of me for parking like him. It's such a simple thing, but I love that I'm recognizing pieces of my dad that are still alive in me. My husband always said I was a Daddy's Girl. I think he just might have been right.

Miracle #3 - I consider this the biggest miracle of the week! My in-laws brought me back a beautiful silver bracelet from Greece. I wear that bracelet all the time and I am always very careful to put it back in my jewelry box. I went to put it on this last Sunday for church and was dismayed to find it missing. I searched my whole room for this bracelet, but had no luck. I looked more after church. I checked every possible location: the kitchen counter, the bathroom drawers, my car, under couches and cushions, in blankets, dirty clothes, laundry baskets, etc. I had no luck. It was close to 11 p.m. and I still had not found the bracelet. I was talking to my mom and started crying. I know it was just a thing, and in the long run it didn't matter. But for some reason in my mind, I just couldn't handle losing one more thing. I was ready to give up and was frustrated because I knew if my dad was here, he would be able to find it. I said a prayer explaining to the Lord why finding the bracelet meant so much to me, how I had looked everywhere but hadn't found it, how I knew it was a silly thing to be worried about, but asked if He would please just help me find it. I finished the prayer and sat there for a minute. Then I got up and started searching all the same places again. I went back down to sift through the dirty clothes when I had an idea to check under the washing machine. Not having anywhere else to look, I moved the rug and got down on my hands and knees and put my head to the floor. Sure enough, there was my bracelet, just barely under the washing machine tucked out of sight. I started crying the minute I found it.

What a relief to know that the Lord hears and answers prayers! The answers may not always come when we want them, but He hears them. The Lord knew where my bracelet was. Was it a big deal to find it? No, not in the eternal scheme of things. But for a girl who had lost her husband and her father and wasn't sure if she mattered to the Lord, it was more than just an answer to my simple prayer for help finding jewelry. It was a testimony to me that I am heard, that the Lord cares about me and cares about things that matter to me, no matter how trivial. What a relief to have a loving Heavenly Father who is looking out for me!

Some call it Chance or Luck. Some call it Tender Mercies. Some call it Miracles. Whatever you choose to call it, it all leads back to the Lord.

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever." ~Alma 26:12

I Love You Dad!

June 27, 2011 will be a day that will be forever burned into my brain. My parents were on their way back from a two week Baltic Cruise when my dad became very ill. They made it as far as the JFK airport in New York and my dad was rushed to the hospital. Twenty-four hours after boarding a plane in Copenhagen, Denmark, the hospital called the time of death for my dad. This came as a shock and was very unexpected. I have struggled with many thoughts. Regrets that my mom was in New York alone going through the hellish experience of a Trauma One hospital in Queens and watching my dad grow sicker and his body slowly shut down, knowing he was in pain and couldn't have more medicine, and knowing he wasn't going to live to return to Utah to see his family. I ached for my mom knowing the ache she would in turn feel from losing her husband and best friend of 37.5 years. Crying because my father and my hero wasn't coming home. Crying because our dog Rascal has gone into depression and won't come out of his box. Crying because no one should have to bury their father three months after burying their spouse, and yet here I am. Both my mom and I are now widows. What a pair we will make!

It's interesting the difference I have felt compared to when I lost my husband. I miss my father and wish things could be different. Maybe it was because I had a few hours to prepare for it, maybe it was because as I was pleading with the Lord the night my dad was in the hospital for him to be healed, a still small voice filled my mind and gently whispered, "You have to let him go and acknowledge the Lord's will. This is not your choice. Let him go." I've never had something so hard come out of my lips. I didn't want the Lord's will to be my father leaving this earth life, and yet the deeper part of me knew it wasn't my choice. Those dreaded words left my mouth and I immediately turned my thoughts to my dear mother. My pleadings then turned to that of peace and most especially to send angels to attend my mom and dad that night. I told the Lord I could go without angels lifting me that night because my mom needed them more.

It's hard to lose a spouse, and it's equally hard to lose a father. There is a void in our family now that will never be fully healed. As my mom so wisely quoted, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." I was raised of goodly parents with strong testimonies in the true Gospel of Jesus Christ. My father was and will remain an example of a kind, strong, and gentle man with a calm demeanor and an attitude of selfless service. He touched many lives for good. His example can now shine through my efforts to honor his name.

Life isn't fair. It wasn't supposed to be. Life was meant to be a learning experience for the spirit daughters and sons of God. We came hear to learn and to be tested. Everyone faces different challenges on varying levels. Each trial is tailored to the individual's weaknesses and strengths. The Lord knows us individually, far better than we know ourselves. I never would have thought myself strong enough to be faced with so many challenging trials in one year. I still doubt my ability to face the trials in my path and come out conqueror. But it is not my choice. The Lord has promised He will not give us anything that we cannot handle. Sometimes I question His judgement in the midst of my trials. But I'm learning a new level of faith and trust in the Lord.

I know God lives and loves me. I know He loves me more than I can comprehend. I know there is life after death and that families can and will be together forever. My father will always be my father. He'll be there to help me in times of need, just as my husband, Reed is there to help me in times of need. The veil that shields our eyes from the other side is thinner than I ever imagined it could be. The comfort the Holy Ghost brings is a tender mercy and a divine gift. Christ suffered in Gethsemane not only for our sins, but for our pains and sorrows as well. Just as Christ rose and lives again, so can each of us live. Our journey and life do not end with our final mortal breath. I know I will see my family again. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life and the knowledge and comfort it brings. I will be forever indebted to the Lord for blessing me with my family that I have. They are a gift and a blessing in my life and pull me through when times are tough.

I know that children are a gift and a blessing of perspective. As my sister and I were explaining to my 2 year-old niece yesterday that her "Papa" was with Jesus and Uncle Reed in heaven. She innocently asked if Jesus and heaven were very far away. My sister gently replied while choking back tears, "Yes, honey, it's a long way." My niece then replied, "I miss my Jesus." How profound that statement is, from the mouth of a babe: "I miss my Jesus."