For months I have been telling friends at some point I would write a blog on what not to say to someone who has just lost their spouse. In essence, a "Funerals and Viewings 101 - What NOT to Say." I'm sharing my knowledge from real world experience.
Rule #1 - When in a viewing line, don't approach the wife (or husband) of the deceased and ask if they are the other sibling. I'm not joking! I had this happen at my husband's viewing. Last I checked, the wife stands closest to the open casket, not the sister. When in doubt, just don't ask.
Rule #2 - When talking to the newly widowed at the viewing and/or funeral, don't push them to remarry, consider remarriage, or ask if they plan to remarry. The person has just lost their spouse. I promise you, getting remarried is the farthest thing from their mind. You may be happy in your second marriage after losing your spouse, but when there is a body in a casket next to the widow, that is NOT the time to bring up getting married. Death is not like being dumped. You can't just go home, eat a gallon of ice cream, and start dating the next day. Especially for girls, we need time to heal.
Rule #3 - Viewings and funerals can be awkward for those who haven't dealt with that situation much. The best thing you can do at a viewing is just take the person's hand and give it a squeeze. You don't have to say anything. Let them know you are there, let them know you care, and you can do all of this without opening your mouth. Heck, you can even hug them if you know them. If you feel the need to say something, don't talk about how good the dead person looks in the casket. I promise you, the family probably thinks the body in the casket hardly resembles the family member they lost. Don't say the dead person could be sleeping and don't tell them the person's spirit is sitting on the casket. If you are going to speak, say you are sorry for their loss or tell them something nice about the individual who has passed away and leave it at that.
Rule #4 - When you see the newly widowed after the funeral, whether it's weeks or months after, don't bring up their need to remarry. Don't ask them how the single's scene is. Don't ask if they are out dating. Chances are, they aren't being incredibly social, they aren't dating, and they are still not ready to consider going out on a date. Don't ask, don't offer to set them up, and don't assume. If they are out dating or wanting to date, they will bring it up when they are ready.
Rule #5 - Three months after the funeral is typically when the shock wears off and reality sets in. Denial has completely left and the realization that the widow really lost a spouse sets in. Most people make the mistake thinking that three months is enough time to heal and move on. I'm here to tell you, it's not. Three months is usually when things start to get tough. You have to start to find that new normal in life, without your spouse. People asked me how I was doing all the time. I told them and still tell them I am hanging in there, pushing through, surviving, etc. But for the first 3-4 months, what really went through my head was, "Seriously? How would you be doing?" You are welcome to ask, but know it's a stupid question. Either you will get an honest answer that you won't know how to respond to, or you will get fed a lie. Take your pick.
Now that I've given you the DO NOT's, here are some DO's
DO - Call and just listen. Someone going through the loss of a spouse needs to talk. Sometimes they will laugh, sometimes they will cry, and sometimes they may just vent and be angry. The point is, they need to talk. They need to relive the memories that were good and work through their grief. My mom has cousins and siblings that call her to talk and listen. I have a friend who has been awesome to let me talk about the same frustrations and the same happy memories over and over again. She never gets annoyed or complains. She knows I need to talk about it, remember the good times, and sort through the cluster of feelings.
DO - Invite them to do things. Start small. They won't be ready for a big social event. Take them to lunch, visit the spa, or go shopping with them. Get them out of the house and help them build new memories. Mention other social functions they are welcome to attend, but don't pressure them to join. Don't get frustrated if they decline every time, just keep offering. They will come when they are ready.
DO - Share pictures and stories of the deceased. Chances are, you may share something new that will become a treasure to the widow. The stories I love best are the one's that help me remember how much Reed cared for me.
The most important thing you can do is constantly care about them, make an effort to stay in contact with them, and offer encouragement and strength.
Be patient and remember: it takes time for the grieving heart to heal.
