Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
What Not To Say
For months I have been telling friends at some point I would write a blog on what not to say to someone who has just lost their spouse. In essence, a "Funerals and Viewings 101 - What NOT to Say." I'm sharing my knowledge from real world experience.
Rule #1 - When in a viewing line, don't approach the wife (or husband) of the deceased and ask if they are the other sibling. I'm not joking! I had this happen at my husband's viewing. Last I checked, the wife stands closest to the open casket, not the sister. When in doubt, just don't ask.
Rule #2 - When talking to the newly widowed at the viewing and/or funeral, don't push them to remarry, consider remarriage, or ask if they plan to remarry. The person has just lost their spouse. I promise you, getting remarried is the farthest thing from their mind. You may be happy in your second marriage after losing your spouse, but when there is a body in a casket next to the widow, that is NOT the time to bring up getting married. Death is not like being dumped. You can't just go home, eat a gallon of ice cream, and start dating the next day. Especially for girls, we need time to heal.
Rule #3 - Viewings and funerals can be awkward for those who haven't dealt with that situation much. The best thing you can do at a viewing is just take the person's hand and give it a squeeze. You don't have to say anything. Let them know you are there, let them know you care, and you can do all of this without opening your mouth. Heck, you can even hug them if you know them. If you feel the need to say something, don't talk about how good the dead person looks in the casket. I promise you, the family probably thinks the body in the casket hardly resembles the family member they lost. Don't say the dead person could be sleeping and don't tell them the person's spirit is sitting on the casket. If you are going to speak, say you are sorry for their loss or tell them something nice about the individual who has passed away and leave it at that.
Rule #4 - When you see the newly widowed after the funeral, whether it's weeks or months after, don't bring up their need to remarry. Don't ask them how the single's scene is. Don't ask if they are out dating. Chances are, they aren't being incredibly social, they aren't dating, and they are still not ready to consider going out on a date. Don't ask, don't offer to set them up, and don't assume. If they are out dating or wanting to date, they will bring it up when they are ready.
Rule #5 - Three months after the funeral is typically when the shock wears off and reality sets in. Denial has completely left and the realization that the widow really lost a spouse sets in. Most people make the mistake thinking that three months is enough time to heal and move on. I'm here to tell you, it's not. Three months is usually when things start to get tough. You have to start to find that new normal in life, without your spouse. People asked me how I was doing all the time. I told them and still tell them I am hanging in there, pushing through, surviving, etc. But for the first 3-4 months, what really went through my head was, "Seriously? How would you be doing?" You are welcome to ask, but know it's a stupid question. Either you will get an honest answer that you won't know how to respond to, or you will get fed a lie. Take your pick.
Now that I've given you the DO NOT's, here are some DO's
DO - Call and just listen. Someone going through the loss of a spouse needs to talk. Sometimes they will laugh, sometimes they will cry, and sometimes they may just vent and be angry. The point is, they need to talk. They need to relive the memories that were good and work through their grief. My mom has cousins and siblings that call her to talk and listen. I have a friend who has been awesome to let me talk about the same frustrations and the same happy memories over and over again. She never gets annoyed or complains. She knows I need to talk about it, remember the good times, and sort through the cluster of feelings.
DO - Invite them to do things. Start small. They won't be ready for a big social event. Take them to lunch, visit the spa, or go shopping with them. Get them out of the house and help them build new memories. Mention other social functions they are welcome to attend, but don't pressure them to join. Don't get frustrated if they decline every time, just keep offering. They will come when they are ready.
DO - Share pictures and stories of the deceased. Chances are, you may share something new that will become a treasure to the widow. The stories I love best are the one's that help me remember how much Reed cared for me.
The most important thing you can do is constantly care about them, make an effort to stay in contact with them, and offer encouragement and strength.
Be patient and remember: it takes time for the grieving heart to heal.
Rule #1 - When in a viewing line, don't approach the wife (or husband) of the deceased and ask if they are the other sibling. I'm not joking! I had this happen at my husband's viewing. Last I checked, the wife stands closest to the open casket, not the sister. When in doubt, just don't ask.
Rule #2 - When talking to the newly widowed at the viewing and/or funeral, don't push them to remarry, consider remarriage, or ask if they plan to remarry. The person has just lost their spouse. I promise you, getting remarried is the farthest thing from their mind. You may be happy in your second marriage after losing your spouse, but when there is a body in a casket next to the widow, that is NOT the time to bring up getting married. Death is not like being dumped. You can't just go home, eat a gallon of ice cream, and start dating the next day. Especially for girls, we need time to heal.
Rule #3 - Viewings and funerals can be awkward for those who haven't dealt with that situation much. The best thing you can do at a viewing is just take the person's hand and give it a squeeze. You don't have to say anything. Let them know you are there, let them know you care, and you can do all of this without opening your mouth. Heck, you can even hug them if you know them. If you feel the need to say something, don't talk about how good the dead person looks in the casket. I promise you, the family probably thinks the body in the casket hardly resembles the family member they lost. Don't say the dead person could be sleeping and don't tell them the person's spirit is sitting on the casket. If you are going to speak, say you are sorry for their loss or tell them something nice about the individual who has passed away and leave it at that.
Rule #4 - When you see the newly widowed after the funeral, whether it's weeks or months after, don't bring up their need to remarry. Don't ask them how the single's scene is. Don't ask if they are out dating. Chances are, they aren't being incredibly social, they aren't dating, and they are still not ready to consider going out on a date. Don't ask, don't offer to set them up, and don't assume. If they are out dating or wanting to date, they will bring it up when they are ready.
Rule #5 - Three months after the funeral is typically when the shock wears off and reality sets in. Denial has completely left and the realization that the widow really lost a spouse sets in. Most people make the mistake thinking that three months is enough time to heal and move on. I'm here to tell you, it's not. Three months is usually when things start to get tough. You have to start to find that new normal in life, without your spouse. People asked me how I was doing all the time. I told them and still tell them I am hanging in there, pushing through, surviving, etc. But for the first 3-4 months, what really went through my head was, "Seriously? How would you be doing?" You are welcome to ask, but know it's a stupid question. Either you will get an honest answer that you won't know how to respond to, or you will get fed a lie. Take your pick.
Now that I've given you the DO NOT's, here are some DO's
DO - Call and just listen. Someone going through the loss of a spouse needs to talk. Sometimes they will laugh, sometimes they will cry, and sometimes they may just vent and be angry. The point is, they need to talk. They need to relive the memories that were good and work through their grief. My mom has cousins and siblings that call her to talk and listen. I have a friend who has been awesome to let me talk about the same frustrations and the same happy memories over and over again. She never gets annoyed or complains. She knows I need to talk about it, remember the good times, and sort through the cluster of feelings.
DO - Invite them to do things. Start small. They won't be ready for a big social event. Take them to lunch, visit the spa, or go shopping with them. Get them out of the house and help them build new memories. Mention other social functions they are welcome to attend, but don't pressure them to join. Don't get frustrated if they decline every time, just keep offering. They will come when they are ready.
DO - Share pictures and stories of the deceased. Chances are, you may share something new that will become a treasure to the widow. The stories I love best are the one's that help me remember how much Reed cared for me.
The most important thing you can do is constantly care about them, make an effort to stay in contact with them, and offer encouragement and strength.
Be patient and remember: it takes time for the grieving heart to heal.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A New Perspective
Do you ever feel like you are fighting a losing battle? I do, more often than I'd like to admit. I have learned a valuable lesson over the last two weeks, one I hope I never forget.
Life is full of teaching moments it seems. Most lessons are not welcomed at the time they are being taught. Some, I think we bring upon ourselves. Others, I believe the Lord places before us for reasons beyond our understanding. The lesson I have learned over the last two weeks is one I have brought upon myself, but one the Lord guided me through with the help of some very dear friends.
I have come to know that Satan's best way of getting at me is through discouragement and self-doubt. Since before my husband passed away I have considered creating a vocal CD of hymn arrangements. At the time, it was a fleeting dream, but there wasn't much ambition behind it. After Reed passed, the ambition for the CD came as a promise of healing for me and others beyond my limited view. When my father passed, the idea of releasing my own CD became a stronger ambition. Two weeks ago, I made the mistake of allowing self-doubt to enter my mind. I made the mistake of comparing my talents to others. It was a foolish thing to do. Every person that walks this earth is unique, has unique gifts and talents, and has a special purpose and mission in this life. To compare oneself to another only destroys what God has intended for each of us. The apostles constantly warn of the dangers of comparing oneself to another. We should cherish the gifts we have and strive to develop new ones. Not get caught up in what we don't have, or what we wish we had. I fell into the trap of comparing.
I began talking to a friend about my lack of confidence and questioned why I would be crazy enough to even consider releasing a CD. She told me to stop comparing myself to other people, told me that if I had the desire I should do it and not worry if the CD was a success or not. She offered such positive advice, unfortunately it took a few more days to sink in. I had just about talked myself out of trying when I had a talk with another friend. Something clicked during that discussion. She also talked about the dangers of comparing myself to others. She reminded me that it was a slippery slope to a downward spiral. She then turned her focus to asking why I had initially wanted to try to release a CD. I shared my desire to help myself heal from the trauma of the last year, as well as the hope that the music would help others find peace, hope and healing as well. She then asked me a simple question that had a huge impact.
For some reason, phrasing it that way finally knocked some sense into me. I suddenly realized it didn't matter if I sold 1, 100 or even 1,000 CDs. It didn't matter if I had an amazing voice that would top the charts. What mattered was the message and the feeling behind the words. When I do manage to arrange music, I feel guided toward the melody. I never feel I can claim the ownership of the arrangement because I know I had help, it's never all me. The music is a way for me to share my testimony with others. Even if I only get rid of one CD, I will have succeeded. My testimony will have reached at least one person, and if my prayers are answered, in some way, the music on the CD will help that one person find hope and healing at some point during their mortal journey. As soon as that
realization clicked, the discouragement I had felt for two weeks was gone! Even if I only touched one person, I would make a difference somehow.
I don't know what the Lord has planned for me. I don't know what lies ahead on my path. I do know that He is there guiding me, He is guiding each of us. We are never left alone! What a blessing to know that we are loved that much by a Heavenly Father! We are destined for greater things!
As I was sitting in sacrament today, I opened the Hymn book and it just happened to open to one of my dad's favorite hymns, "How Firm a Foundation". I have often read versus three, four, and five, but for some reason today, I was drawn to verse 7:
Life is full of teaching moments it seems. Most lessons are not welcomed at the time they are being taught. Some, I think we bring upon ourselves. Others, I believe the Lord places before us for reasons beyond our understanding. The lesson I have learned over the last two weeks is one I have brought upon myself, but one the Lord guided me through with the help of some very dear friends.
I have come to know that Satan's best way of getting at me is through discouragement and self-doubt. Since before my husband passed away I have considered creating a vocal CD of hymn arrangements. At the time, it was a fleeting dream, but there wasn't much ambition behind it. After Reed passed, the ambition for the CD came as a promise of healing for me and others beyond my limited view. When my father passed, the idea of releasing my own CD became a stronger ambition. Two weeks ago, I made the mistake of allowing self-doubt to enter my mind. I made the mistake of comparing my talents to others. It was a foolish thing to do. Every person that walks this earth is unique, has unique gifts and talents, and has a special purpose and mission in this life. To compare oneself to another only destroys what God has intended for each of us. The apostles constantly warn of the dangers of comparing oneself to another. We should cherish the gifts we have and strive to develop new ones. Not get caught up in what we don't have, or what we wish we had. I fell into the trap of comparing.
I began talking to a friend about my lack of confidence and questioned why I would be crazy enough to even consider releasing a CD. She told me to stop comparing myself to other people, told me that if I had the desire I should do it and not worry if the CD was a success or not. She offered such positive advice, unfortunately it took a few more days to sink in. I had just about talked myself out of trying when I had a talk with another friend. Something clicked during that discussion. She also talked about the dangers of comparing myself to others. She reminded me that it was a slippery slope to a downward spiral. She then turned her focus to asking why I had initially wanted to try to release a CD. I shared my desire to help myself heal from the trauma of the last year, as well as the hope that the music would help others find peace, hope and healing as well. She then asked me a simple question that had a huge impact.
"If your goal is to offer hope and healing to others,
shouldn't success be measured by helping even one person?"
For some reason, phrasing it that way finally knocked some sense into me. I suddenly realized it didn't matter if I sold 1, 100 or even 1,000 CDs. It didn't matter if I had an amazing voice that would top the charts. What mattered was the message and the feeling behind the words. When I do manage to arrange music, I feel guided toward the melody. I never feel I can claim the ownership of the arrangement because I know I had help, it's never all me. The music is a way for me to share my testimony with others. Even if I only get rid of one CD, I will have succeeded. My testimony will have reached at least one person, and if my prayers are answered, in some way, the music on the CD will help that one person find hope and healing at some point during their mortal journey. As soon as that
 |
| "Let Your Light So Shine" by Simon Dewey |
I don't know what the Lord has planned for me. I don't know what lies ahead on my path. I do know that He is there guiding me, He is guiding each of us. We are never left alone! What a blessing to know that we are loved that much by a Heavenly Father! We are destined for greater things!
As I was sitting in sacrament today, I opened the Hymn book and it just happened to open to one of my dad's favorite hymns, "How Firm a Foundation". I have often read versus three, four, and five, but for some reason today, I was drawn to verse 7:
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!
What a strong reminder. Before, I had wondered if the Lord was hearing my prayers. Everything clicked today. He was there, He had heard. He had answered my prayers through friends who cared for me. He had helped me piece the puzzles together to remind myself that I should not doubt the testimony I have been given. Satan is giving his best shot at pulling me down, I have a renewed desire singing inside of me, "I'll never, no never, no never forsake!" God lives and loves each of us. He is there and He hears our prayers. He may not come when we call, but He will come on time!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Make Me A Spoon!
I heard this poem once in Young Women's a long time ago. It's called "Make Me A Spoon"
All silverware is made to serve, but the different pieces serve in different ways.
I don't know about you, but often in my prayers I ask the Lord to guide me to someone that I might serve. There are many quotes and scriptures about losing yourself in service to overcome your own troubles. Having tested this theory early in life, I knew after my husband passed away that it would work again. I needed opportunities to serve others, I wanted to be a spoon. Opportunities are everywhere, we just have to look for them and follow the Spirit. One thing I have learned in praying for opportunities, if you are serious about wanting to serve, then you need to act on the promptings you receive.
I don't know why the poem about silverware stuck with me. Maybe it's because I have met people that are so concerned about themselves that they don't stop to see the world around them (Fork People). I have also met people that are never happy with what they have and always want things to change or people to change to fit their needs (Knife People). Then there are the earthly angels (Spoon People). You probably know many of them. Spoon People always uplift and never cut you down, they will drop everything to help someone, even a stranger. They are people who are OK with a phone call in the middle of the night just because a friend needs a listening ear. Spoons are a great metaphor for service.
I had an opportunity one day after work to be a spoon. I was leaving work later than usual and as I was walking out of my building an older gentleman stopped me. He seemed distressed and very embarrassed. He was struggling financially and had some medical issues. The more he explained, the more embarrassed he became. He was very quick to say he was not requesting money, but asked if I would be willing to buy him a sandwich because he hadn't eaten all day. I agreed to buy him dinner and started walking toward the cafe inside my office building. The poor guy was very embarrassed that he was asking for help and asked if I would get him the food and bring it out. I went in, bought him food, and brought it out to him. I also told him about the Bishop's store house and suggested that he go there and they might be able to help him. He kept thanking me for my kindness and further explained that he had been praying for the Lord to guide him to someone that would help him.
I haven't seen that man back on the Plaza outside Temple Square. I don't know what led him to Temple Square. I don't know what happened to him after we parted. What I do know is this, that morning I had prayed for an opportunity to serve someone in need and my prayer was answered. I was able to offer a ray of sunshine to someone who had been pleading for help. It was a simple thing to buy a stranger a sandwich, especially compared to the sacrifice the Savior made for each of us. I am so grateful that the Lord was able to answer my prayer and give me a chance to serve a stranger. I had a chance to be a spoon. What will you be?
All silverware is made to serve, but the different pieces serve in different ways.
Forks stab. "This is mine," they say. Bits of meat, carrots, pickles, salad and cheese. "This, this and this are mine," says the fork. "Everything for me, me, me." And soon every last morsel on the plate has been pinned by the spear of the selfish fork.
Knives cut. "Too big," says the knife. Slice. Cut. Chop. Dice. Everything must change its shape to satisfy the whim of the knife. Nothing is right as it is. Everything needs paring down, carving or separating.
Spoons serve: cereal, soup, peas -- all the impossible foods can be handled comfortably from the
smooth bowl of the spoon. Spoons say, "Here, let me help you. We can manage together."
MAKE ME A SPOON, LORD!
smooth bowl of the spoon. Spoons say, "Here, let me help you. We can manage together."
MAKE ME A SPOON, LORD!
I don't know about you, but often in my prayers I ask the Lord to guide me to someone that I might serve. There are many quotes and scriptures about losing yourself in service to overcome your own troubles. Having tested this theory early in life, I knew after my husband passed away that it would work again. I needed opportunities to serve others, I wanted to be a spoon. Opportunities are everywhere, we just have to look for them and follow the Spirit. One thing I have learned in praying for opportunities, if you are serious about wanting to serve, then you need to act on the promptings you receive.
I don't know why the poem about silverware stuck with me. Maybe it's because I have met people that are so concerned about themselves that they don't stop to see the world around them (Fork People). I have also met people that are never happy with what they have and always want things to change or people to change to fit their needs (Knife People). Then there are the earthly angels (Spoon People). You probably know many of them. Spoon People always uplift and never cut you down, they will drop everything to help someone, even a stranger. They are people who are OK with a phone call in the middle of the night just because a friend needs a listening ear. Spoons are a great metaphor for service.
I had an opportunity one day after work to be a spoon. I was leaving work later than usual and as I was walking out of my building an older gentleman stopped me. He seemed distressed and very embarrassed. He was struggling financially and had some medical issues. The more he explained, the more embarrassed he became. He was very quick to say he was not requesting money, but asked if I would be willing to buy him a sandwich because he hadn't eaten all day. I agreed to buy him dinner and started walking toward the cafe inside my office building. The poor guy was very embarrassed that he was asking for help and asked if I would get him the food and bring it out. I went in, bought him food, and brought it out to him. I also told him about the Bishop's store house and suggested that he go there and they might be able to help him. He kept thanking me for my kindness and further explained that he had been praying for the Lord to guide him to someone that would help him.
I haven't seen that man back on the Plaza outside Temple Square. I don't know what led him to Temple Square. I don't know what happened to him after we parted. What I do know is this, that morning I had prayed for an opportunity to serve someone in need and my prayer was answered. I was able to offer a ray of sunshine to someone who had been pleading for help. It was a simple thing to buy a stranger a sandwich, especially compared to the sacrifice the Savior made for each of us. I am so grateful that the Lord was able to answer my prayer and give me a chance to serve a stranger. I had a chance to be a spoon. What will you be?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Just Keep Paddling
Last week I went on vacation with my mom and my brother and his family. We went up to the beautiful paradise that is Waterton Lakes National Park, Alberta, Canada. Growing up, Waterton was like a second home to me. We had a great time but it was very different not having my dad there. All part of finding a new normal and adjusting.
While we were there, my brother decided we should go on the kayaking trip he had done two years ago. So, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my cousin, and I all went. We started the trip on a beautiful, calm, clear morning. The lower lake was smooth as glass, which is highly unusual for Waterton because there is ALWAYS wind. It was beautiful! The sun was shining, there were very few clouds in the sky, it was a perfect day for a kayaking trip. Or so we thought. . .
About an hour in, we heard thunder out on the prairie. When the lightning started, my brother told us to keep to the shore line so that we wouldn't become lightning rods out in the middle of the lake with aluminum oars. So, we stuck to the shore for safety's sake. The storm rolled in VERY fast. We were paddling about 10 yards off the shore when a huge wind storm started up. We hastily pulled out, dragged the 5 kayaks to a tree, and made a shelter. It started to rain just as the last kayak was put into place. Storms normally pass quickly in Waterton, so we weren't too concerned and just planned to wait out the wind. At this point, we couldn't just end the trip. We weren't anywhere near a road for my mom to meet us and pick up the kayaks, so we had to keep going. Just as the wind died down, the hailstorm started. I must say, kayaks make pretty good shelters for hailstorms.
Once the storm passed, we hopped back in the kayaks and called my mom to tell her we would be 20 minutes later than planned because we had to pull out and asked her to pick us up at a pull out closer than the original pick-up location. As we started paddling again, I realized just how tired my arms were. My cousin, Scott, and my sister-in-law, Stacy, were close to my kayak. I jokingly stated that this experience of paddling in the rain had to be a metaphor for life. Stacy laughed and said, "Surely I could use this in a gospel doctrine lesson!" And we kept paddling, hoping the river would show up soon so we could get out before the rain got worse.
Our luck for the trip held out. We got to the pull out and talked with two fisherman there that said the road was closed and they had to hike in. Jason, my brother, made another call to my mom and told her to go back to plan A. We continued on the river, all of us tired. Half way through the river we encountered another hailstorm. This time, there was no where for us to pull out. I've never been caught in a hailstorm without shelter, but I pity those who have now. I know what it's like to have pea-sized hailstones pelting your bare arms. Luckily I had a baseball cap and sunglasses on so I could still see. However, when the wind picked up with the hailstones, I had to put the nose of my kayak into the bank. My cousin Scott was with me and I told him if I was going to make it to the end of the lake, I wouldn't be able to paddle against the wind. He anchored with me and waited out the hailstorm.
We finally got out of the river and onto the last lake. It's amazing how close a shore can look and yet be so far away. We saw the two cars watching for us on the lookout and I knew the end was in sight. I was so close to being done kayaking in the rain. We were drenched, hungry, and cold. We started cutting across the lake and my mom was waving at us. I was exhausted at this point and really didn't want to keep pulling. I was so tempted to just stop and let the wind blow me wherever it wanted to. I mentioned this to my cousin and he so wisely said, "Well Jenny, if you are going to do that, you may as well paddle all the way back to the beginning." I cringed at that thought, put my focus on my mom and started singing, "Just keep paddling. Just keep paddling. Just keep paddling, paddling, paddling." Over and over again, until I reached the shore. Our two hour trip turned into three and a half hours. That was the end of my kayaking trips for the week.
This kayaking trip, in a way, represents the last year of my life. The journey started out smooth, calm, beautiful and exciting. That was last summer for me when I got engaged and married. Then the storms hit. My husband, Reed, started getting very ill. The first hailstorm represented Reed's car accident and passing. My family, friends, and the temple provided shelter from that storm. Just like you can't stop living and give up, we had to get back in the kayaks and start paddling again. Our journey wasn't done. The rain continued, but we pressed forward with the end goal in mind. The second hailstorm was my dad's passing. We had no choice but to face it and keep moving. I stopped momentarily, but I didn't give up. The final leg of the journey on the river and the second lake in the rain represents what I'm pushing through now.
I've had two really big hailstorms in my life in the last six months, but I've had to keep paddling. My end goal is to obtain the blessings of eternity, to be with Reed and my dad again! Life is full of storms, whether it is rain, hail, snow, or thunder. We are all on the kayak trip of life. I was reminded that I can do hard things, I can keep paddling when I feel like giving up. I was reminded that I can face hard things and keep paddling!
I got in the kayak that morning looking forward to a nice calm ride. I got so much more! That experience keeps coming back to me. On my toughest days, when I want to give up, I hear myself singing, "Just keep paddling" while kayaking in a storm across a lake.
 |
| Heading out from Farmer's Bay for our kayaking adventure. |
 |
| Scott, Tyler, Stacy and Jenny on Lower Waterton Lake. Jason is taking the picture. This is one of the last pictures we took before his camera died. |
Once the storm passed, we hopped back in the kayaks and called my mom to tell her we would be 20 minutes later than planned because we had to pull out and asked her to pick us up at a pull out closer than the original pick-up location. As we started paddling again, I realized just how tired my arms were. My cousin, Scott, and my sister-in-law, Stacy, were close to my kayak. I jokingly stated that this experience of paddling in the rain had to be a metaphor for life. Stacy laughed and said, "Surely I could use this in a gospel doctrine lesson!" And we kept paddling, hoping the river would show up soon so we could get out before the rain got worse.
Our luck for the trip held out. We got to the pull out and talked with two fisherman there that said the road was closed and they had to hike in. Jason, my brother, made another call to my mom and told her to go back to plan A. We continued on the river, all of us tired. Half way through the river we encountered another hailstorm. This time, there was no where for us to pull out. I've never been caught in a hailstorm without shelter, but I pity those who have now. I know what it's like to have pea-sized hailstones pelting your bare arms. Luckily I had a baseball cap and sunglasses on so I could still see. However, when the wind picked up with the hailstones, I had to put the nose of my kayak into the bank. My cousin Scott was with me and I told him if I was going to make it to the end of the lake, I wouldn't be able to paddle against the wind. He anchored with me and waited out the hailstorm.
 | |
| The pull-out at Knight's Lake. My mom took this picture to show the "Soaked Ragamuffins" at the end of the trip. |
This kayaking trip, in a way, represents the last year of my life. The journey started out smooth, calm, beautiful and exciting. That was last summer for me when I got engaged and married. Then the storms hit. My husband, Reed, started getting very ill. The first hailstorm represented Reed's car accident and passing. My family, friends, and the temple provided shelter from that storm. Just like you can't stop living and give up, we had to get back in the kayaks and start paddling again. Our journey wasn't done. The rain continued, but we pressed forward with the end goal in mind. The second hailstorm was my dad's passing. We had no choice but to face it and keep moving. I stopped momentarily, but I didn't give up. The final leg of the journey on the river and the second lake in the rain represents what I'm pushing through now.
 |
| My picture of triumph. I made it through! |
I got in the kayak that morning looking forward to a nice calm ride. I got so much more! That experience keeps coming back to me. On my toughest days, when I want to give up, I hear myself singing, "Just keep paddling" while kayaking in a storm across a lake.
It IS possible. The trip WILL end. The blue skies WILL return.
JUST KEEP PADDLING!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Press Forward
Do you ever feel overwhelmed with life? I sure do. After so much happens in your life, how do you find a new normal? The simple, but frustrating answer, TIME and PATIENCE. Two things I have a love-hate relationship with.
I've always struggled with patience. If things weren't happening fast enough for me, I'd figure out a way to speed up the process. My dad told me once that I often created opportunities for myself when one didn't seem to be available, and it frequently wore him out. I'm annoyingly impatient when I want to know something. I like to have a plan for myself. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, my plans are NEVER the Lord's plans. I definitely don't understand the Lord's path for me when it's slowly placed brick by brick. I don't have the benefit of the yellow brick road that I can see forever and know exactly where I'm going. I live by what I call "Blind Faith". Let me explain, because I'm pretty sure my definition will be different than most people.
My life is a prime example of not being able to see the full path ahead. It's like I have a candle in my hand and all I can see in front of me is maybe half a step. I call it "Blind Faith" because I have faith that the Lord will lead me where I need to go and won't let me stray off the path as long as I am doing my part, however, I can't see the step I'm about to take. I'm blind to where my foot will land half the time, but I try to have the faith to take that step anyways. Sometimes I feel like the Lord has to push me a little to take that step, but whether I'm completely ready or not, that step happens. Hind site is 20/20 though. Look back at your experiences and you'll start to see where the Lord has brought you, why He brought you there, what you have learned and how you have grown. Patience I believe is one of my life-long trials that I will continually be learning.
Time is an interesting thing. If you consider you have 24 hours in a day, how do you divide that up? How do you spend your time? On average we sleep 6 to 10 hours of each day. If you have a full-time job, you are working 8 to 9 hours of that day. Where does family come in? Hobbies? Education? Religion? Do you spend your spare time gaming? Facebooking? Do you even interact with others? Or is your face and hands glued to some gadget like a phone or an iPad? We will be accountable for every minute we spend, how will your report card in heaven look? Will you be able to say you spent your time developing your talents and serving others? How many memories will you have to look back on with your family? Both my husband and my father were taken from this life very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I'd give anything to have more time with both of them on this earth because I miss them desperately, but I know this was God's will and I will have eternity to be with them again.
My dad is a perfect example of someone who used his time wisely. He lived just over 60 years. In that 60 years he graduated with a BS degree from BYU, got married, raised a family of 4, helped pay for piano lessons, vocal lessons, dance lessons, etc to develop his children's talents. He took his family on vacations, spent time serving others and working to cultivate a beautiful garden, he taught his kids how to work hard, how to finish a job, and how to offer their time serving others as well. He taught us how to treat our mother and how to love others, he was my ultimate example of a patient individual. His family came first before work. There was no question to if he loved each child and my mom. We knew he did. His time was shorter than most on this earth, but he used it wisely. I hope I can say as much for myself when I have to answer for my time.
I've struggled a lot lately with emotions and wanting to take that next step forward on the path. It's true that after someone passes that is close to you, everyone else can go on with their life, things go back to normal for them. However, for the people most intimately effected by the change or loss, normal is gone. A new normal has to be developed. How do you find that normal? I think the answer will be different for each person. But there is one similarity, a path must be chosen. Some will chose the path of least resistance. They sit and wait for life to act upon them because they feel discouraged and give up or don't know where to start rebuilding. Others wake up each day, face the world, and set goals to achieve. I can promise you that choosing to act, instead of choosing to be acted upon, will yield far better results and lead to happiness faster. If you aim for nothing, you WILL hit it.
I've been reading a book for work and there is a quote in it that I thought was very fitting:
After my husband passed away, I decided it was time to learn a new instrument, so I am attempting to learn the cello. It's going slower than I originally planned, as my life took another turn in crazy when my dad passed away. It's a release. Since my dad passed away, I've started gardening, mainly out of necessity, but I'm finding I really enjoy it. I'm also looking at getting a Master's degree. My "end in mind" is a new normal that I can be happy with, that will help develop my skills and make me a better instrument in the Lord's hands. An end that will make both my husband and my dad proud! An end that will eventually lead me back to my Heavenly Father's presence!
I've always struggled with patience. If things weren't happening fast enough for me, I'd figure out a way to speed up the process. My dad told me once that I often created opportunities for myself when one didn't seem to be available, and it frequently wore him out. I'm annoyingly impatient when I want to know something. I like to have a plan for myself. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, my plans are NEVER the Lord's plans. I definitely don't understand the Lord's path for me when it's slowly placed brick by brick. I don't have the benefit of the yellow brick road that I can see forever and know exactly where I'm going. I live by what I call "Blind Faith". Let me explain, because I'm pretty sure my definition will be different than most people.
My life is a prime example of not being able to see the full path ahead. It's like I have a candle in my hand and all I can see in front of me is maybe half a step. I call it "Blind Faith" because I have faith that the Lord will lead me where I need to go and won't let me stray off the path as long as I am doing my part, however, I can't see the step I'm about to take. I'm blind to where my foot will land half the time, but I try to have the faith to take that step anyways. Sometimes I feel like the Lord has to push me a little to take that step, but whether I'm completely ready or not, that step happens. Hind site is 20/20 though. Look back at your experiences and you'll start to see where the Lord has brought you, why He brought you there, what you have learned and how you have grown. Patience I believe is one of my life-long trials that I will continually be learning.Time is an interesting thing. If you consider you have 24 hours in a day, how do you divide that up? How do you spend your time? On average we sleep 6 to 10 hours of each day. If you have a full-time job, you are working 8 to 9 hours of that day. Where does family come in? Hobbies? Education? Religion? Do you spend your spare time gaming? Facebooking? Do you even interact with others? Or is your face and hands glued to some gadget like a phone or an iPad? We will be accountable for every minute we spend, how will your report card in heaven look? Will you be able to say you spent your time developing your talents and serving others? How many memories will you have to look back on with your family? Both my husband and my father were taken from this life very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I'd give anything to have more time with both of them on this earth because I miss them desperately, but I know this was God's will and I will have eternity to be with them again.
My dad is a perfect example of someone who used his time wisely. He lived just over 60 years. In that 60 years he graduated with a BS degree from BYU, got married, raised a family of 4, helped pay for piano lessons, vocal lessons, dance lessons, etc to develop his children's talents. He took his family on vacations, spent time serving others and working to cultivate a beautiful garden, he taught his kids how to work hard, how to finish a job, and how to offer their time serving others as well. He taught us how to treat our mother and how to love others, he was my ultimate example of a patient individual. His family came first before work. There was no question to if he loved each child and my mom. We knew he did. His time was shorter than most on this earth, but he used it wisely. I hope I can say as much for myself when I have to answer for my time.I've struggled a lot lately with emotions and wanting to take that next step forward on the path. It's true that after someone passes that is close to you, everyone else can go on with their life, things go back to normal for them. However, for the people most intimately effected by the change or loss, normal is gone. A new normal has to be developed. How do you find that normal? I think the answer will be different for each person. But there is one similarity, a path must be chosen. Some will chose the path of least resistance. They sit and wait for life to act upon them because they feel discouraged and give up or don't know where to start rebuilding. Others wake up each day, face the world, and set goals to achieve. I can promise you that choosing to act, instead of choosing to be acted upon, will yield far better results and lead to happiness faster. If you aim for nothing, you WILL hit it.
I've been reading a book for work and there is a quote in it that I thought was very fitting:
"When we begin with the end in mind, we have a personal direction to guide our daily activities, without which we will accomplish little toward our own goals. Beginning with the end in mind is part of the process of personal leadership."
~ Stephen Covey ~
After my husband passed away, I decided it was time to learn a new instrument, so I am attempting to learn the cello. It's going slower than I originally planned, as my life took another turn in crazy when my dad passed away. It's a release. Since my dad passed away, I've started gardening, mainly out of necessity, but I'm finding I really enjoy it. I'm also looking at getting a Master's degree. My "end in mind" is a new normal that I can be happy with, that will help develop my skills and make me a better instrument in the Lord's hands. An end that will make both my husband and my dad proud! An end that will eventually lead me back to my Heavenly Father's presence!
FIND AN END IN MIND & REACH FOR IT!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Little Miracles
Life is full of little miracles, also known as tender mercies. If you look at your day, I'm sure you will find something that could be considered a miracle. Here are just a few little miracles that I have noticed since the passing of my father just one week ago.
Miracle #1 - My father loved to garden, so our yard is full of flowers. A few days ago as I was walking out to get the mail, I noticed a large butterfly flying around the flower bed and landing on the newly opened lilies. The butterfly was beautiful, with bright yellows and a hint of blue at the tip of its wings. I ran inside to get my camera, expecting the butterfly to be gone by the time I got back out. Much to my surprise the butterfly was still there, and held still long enough on a lily for me to snap a picture. I considered this a miracle of life and beauty. It was like a little gift from the Lord reminding me that there are beautiful things in this world still and my dad would want me to enjoy them.
Miracle #2 - Do you ever wonder if you are like someone? Most kids seem to dread becoming like their parents. I must be the exception to that rule. I would consider it a compliment to be like either of them and to be compared to them. One thing I always wanted was to have a green thumb like my dad. Generally speaking, I kill plants. For the last 3 weeks I have successfully kept all of my dad's house plants alive! I am now also taking a bigger part in keeping up the yard and have managed to not kill the grass yet, even though the sprinkler system is out of commission in the front yard. I guess I'm slowly getting that green thumb.
My dad loved to back in to parking spaces and the driveway. He always said it made it easier to get out, especially when there was a crowd. My dad helped teach me how to drive so I guess I've picked up some of his abilities. Last week I had to pull my dad's truck in to make more parking space available. In true "dad-fashion" I backed the truck out of the driveway and reversed it onto the gravel. I had another "dad" moment tonight at the fireworks show. My mom was so confused at what I was doing until I had finished parking the car and exclaimed how proud dad would be of me for parking like him. It's such a simple thing, but I love that I'm recognizing pieces of my dad that are still alive in me. My husband always said I was a Daddy's Girl. I think he just might have been right.
Miracle #3 - I consider this the biggest miracle of the week! My in-laws brought me back a beautiful silver bracelet from Greece. I wear that bracelet all the time and I am always very careful to put it back in my jewelry box. I went to put it on this last Sunday for church and was dismayed to find it missing. I searched my whole room for this bracelet, but had no luck. I looked more after church. I checked every possible location: the kitchen counter, the bathroom drawers, my car, under couches and cushions, in blankets, dirty clothes, laundry baskets, etc. I had no luck. It was close to 11 p.m. and I still had not found the bracelet. I was talking to my mom and started crying. I know it was just a thing, and in the long run it didn't matter. But for some reason in my mind, I just couldn't handle losing one more thing. I was ready to give up and was frustrated because I knew if my dad was here, he would be able to find it. I said a prayer explaining to the Lord why finding the bracelet meant so much to me, how I had looked everywhere but hadn't found it, how I knew it was a silly thing to be worried about, but asked if He would please just help me find it. I finished the prayer and sat there for a minute. Then I got up and started searching all the same places again. I went back down to sift through the dirty clothes when I had an idea to check under the washing machine. Not having anywhere else to look, I moved the rug and got down on my hands and knees and put my head to the floor. Sure enough, there was my bracelet, just barely under the washing machine tucked out of sight. I started crying the minute I found it.
What a relief to know that the Lord hears and answers prayers! The answers may not always come when we want them, but He hears them. The Lord knew where my bracelet was. Was it a big deal to find it? No, not in the eternal scheme of things. But for a girl who had lost her husband and her father and wasn't sure if she mattered to the Lord, it was more than just an answer to my simple prayer for help finding jewelry. It was a testimony to me that I am heard, that the Lord cares about me and cares about things that matter to me, no matter how trivial. What a relief to have a loving Heavenly Father who is looking out for me!
Some call it Chance or Luck. Some call it Tender Mercies. Some call it Miracles. Whatever you choose to call it, it all leads back to the Lord.
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever." ~Alma 26:12
Miracle #1 - My father loved to garden, so our yard is full of flowers. A few days ago as I was walking out to get the mail, I noticed a large butterfly flying around the flower bed and landing on the newly opened lilies. The butterfly was beautiful, with bright yellows and a hint of blue at the tip of its wings. I ran inside to get my camera, expecting the butterfly to be gone by the time I got back out. Much to my surprise the butterfly was still there, and held still long enough on a lily for me to snap a picture. I considered this a miracle of life and beauty. It was like a little gift from the Lord reminding me that there are beautiful things in this world still and my dad would want me to enjoy them.
Miracle #2 - Do you ever wonder if you are like someone? Most kids seem to dread becoming like their parents. I must be the exception to that rule. I would consider it a compliment to be like either of them and to be compared to them. One thing I always wanted was to have a green thumb like my dad. Generally speaking, I kill plants. For the last 3 weeks I have successfully kept all of my dad's house plants alive! I am now also taking a bigger part in keeping up the yard and have managed to not kill the grass yet, even though the sprinkler system is out of commission in the front yard. I guess I'm slowly getting that green thumb.
My dad loved to back in to parking spaces and the driveway. He always said it made it easier to get out, especially when there was a crowd. My dad helped teach me how to drive so I guess I've picked up some of his abilities. Last week I had to pull my dad's truck in to make more parking space available. In true "dad-fashion" I backed the truck out of the driveway and reversed it onto the gravel. I had another "dad" moment tonight at the fireworks show. My mom was so confused at what I was doing until I had finished parking the car and exclaimed how proud dad would be of me for parking like him. It's such a simple thing, but I love that I'm recognizing pieces of my dad that are still alive in me. My husband always said I was a Daddy's Girl. I think he just might have been right.
Miracle #3 - I consider this the biggest miracle of the week! My in-laws brought me back a beautiful silver bracelet from Greece. I wear that bracelet all the time and I am always very careful to put it back in my jewelry box. I went to put it on this last Sunday for church and was dismayed to find it missing. I searched my whole room for this bracelet, but had no luck. I looked more after church. I checked every possible location: the kitchen counter, the bathroom drawers, my car, under couches and cushions, in blankets, dirty clothes, laundry baskets, etc. I had no luck. It was close to 11 p.m. and I still had not found the bracelet. I was talking to my mom and started crying. I know it was just a thing, and in the long run it didn't matter. But for some reason in my mind, I just couldn't handle losing one more thing. I was ready to give up and was frustrated because I knew if my dad was here, he would be able to find it. I said a prayer explaining to the Lord why finding the bracelet meant so much to me, how I had looked everywhere but hadn't found it, how I knew it was a silly thing to be worried about, but asked if He would please just help me find it. I finished the prayer and sat there for a minute. Then I got up and started searching all the same places again. I went back down to sift through the dirty clothes when I had an idea to check under the washing machine. Not having anywhere else to look, I moved the rug and got down on my hands and knees and put my head to the floor. Sure enough, there was my bracelet, just barely under the washing machine tucked out of sight. I started crying the minute I found it.
What a relief to know that the Lord hears and answers prayers! The answers may not always come when we want them, but He hears them. The Lord knew where my bracelet was. Was it a big deal to find it? No, not in the eternal scheme of things. But for a girl who had lost her husband and her father and wasn't sure if she mattered to the Lord, it was more than just an answer to my simple prayer for help finding jewelry. It was a testimony to me that I am heard, that the Lord cares about me and cares about things that matter to me, no matter how trivial. What a relief to have a loving Heavenly Father who is looking out for me!
Some call it Chance or Luck. Some call it Tender Mercies. Some call it Miracles. Whatever you choose to call it, it all leads back to the Lord.
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever." ~Alma 26:12
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I Love You Dad!
June 27, 2011 will be a day that will be forever burned into my brain. My parents were on their way back from a two week Baltic Cruise when my dad became very ill. They made it as far as the JFK airport in New York and my dad was rushed to the hospital. Twenty-four hours after boarding a plane in Copenhagen, Denmark, the hospital called the time of death for my dad. This came as a shock and was very unexpected. I have struggled with many thoughts. Regrets that my mom was in New York alone going through the hellish experience of a Trauma One hospital in Queens and watching my dad grow sicker and his body slowly shut down, knowing he was in pain and couldn't have more medicine, and knowing he wasn't going to live to return to Utah to see his family. I ached for my mom knowing the ache she would in turn feel from losing her husband and best friend of 37.5 years. Crying because my father and my hero wasn't coming home. Crying because our dog Rascal has gone into depression and won't come out of his box. Crying because no one should have to bury their father three months after burying their spouse, and yet here I am. Both my mom and I are now widows. What a pair we will make!
It's interesting the difference I have felt compared to when I lost my husband. I miss my father and wish things could be different. Maybe it was because I had a few hours to prepare for it, maybe it was because as I was pleading with the Lord the night my dad was in the hospital for him to be healed, a still small voice filled my mind and gently whispered, "You have to let him go and acknowledge the Lord's will. This is not your choice. Let him go." I've never had something so hard come out of my lips. I didn't want the Lord's will to be my father leaving this earth life, and yet the deeper part of me knew it wasn't my choice. Those dreaded words left my mouth and I immediately turned my thoughts to my dear mother. My pleadings then turned to that of peace and most especially to send angels to attend my mom and dad that night. I told the Lord I could go without angels lifting me that night because my mom needed them more.
It's hard to lose a spouse, and it's equally hard to lose a father. There is a void in our family now that will never be fully healed. As my mom so wisely quoted, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." I was raised of goodly parents with strong testimonies in the true Gospel of Jesus Christ. My father was and will remain an example of a kind, strong, and gentle man with a calm demeanor and an attitude of selfless service. He touched many lives for good. His example can now shine through my efforts to honor his name.
Life isn't fair. It wasn't supposed to be. Life was meant to be a learning experience for the spirit daughters and sons of God. We came hear to learn and to be tested. Everyone faces different challenges on varying levels. Each trial is tailored to the individual's weaknesses and strengths. The Lord knows us individually, far better than we know ourselves. I never would have thought myself strong enough to be faced with so many challenging trials in one year. I still doubt my ability to face the trials in my path and come out conqueror. But it is not my choice. The Lord has promised He will not give us anything that we cannot handle. Sometimes I question His judgement in the midst of my trials. But I'm learning a new level of faith and trust in the Lord.
I know God lives and loves me. I know He loves me more than I can comprehend. I know there is life after death and that families can and will be together forever. My father will always be my father. He'll be there to help me in times of need, just as my husband, Reed is there to help me in times of need. The veil that shields our eyes from the other side is thinner than I ever imagined it could be. The comfort the Holy Ghost brings is a tender mercy and a divine gift. Christ suffered in Gethsemane not only for our sins, but for our pains and sorrows as well. Just as Christ rose and lives again, so can each of us live. Our journey and life do not end with our final mortal breath. I know I will see my family again. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life and the knowledge and comfort it brings. I will be forever indebted to the Lord for blessing me with my family that I have. They are a gift and a blessing in my life and pull me through when times are tough.
I know that children are a gift and a blessing of perspective. As my sister and I were explaining to my 2 year-old niece yesterday that her "Papa" was with Jesus and Uncle Reed in heaven. She innocently asked if Jesus and heaven were very far away. My sister gently replied while choking back tears, "Yes, honey, it's a long way." My niece then replied, "I miss my Jesus." How profound that statement is, from the mouth of a babe: "I miss my Jesus."
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