Lessons Learned in Cincinnati

Recently, I had the opportunity to go to Cincinnati, Ohio for work to help at a booth for a conference. As my coworker and I were walking into the convention center on day two, we were greeted by one of the building staff members. He smiled his contagious smile and asked how we were. We responded with a simple “Good. How are you?”  His response surprised me. Amazingly, his smile got even bigger and he replied, “Blessed! Truly blessed!”

Now that may sound corny, but this guy was so sincere with his response that I couldn’t help but believe him and smile. I had expected, “Good. Thanks for asking.” It’s a common greeting that really means nothing anymore. This gentleman gave me an answer I couldn’t help but hear and personally respond to. He didn’t say just “good” or “fine.” He was feeling blessed and wanted to share that with everyone around him. He probably had no idea how contagious his attitude would be, but his response and overwhelming excitement will never be forgotten. What an awesome reminder that we really are truly blessed!

I had a similar experience with another lady that I met while there. She was a staff member at one of the restaurants we had eaten at a couple of times. The first time we went there, she was preparing the food orders and as we were leaving, she flashed her contagious smile and hollered at us with her fun accent, “Ya’ll have a Happy Mother’s Day! Don’t forget Sunday is Mother’s Day!” We talked to her the next day as we were waiting for our food. She shared her story about significant struggles in her personal and family life. I was amazed she could be so happy and caring. What a charming lady! She was determined to leave a lasting impact on the people she served food to. I can tell you, she was succeeding and loving every minute of it.

What an awesome experience. It was a good reminder that we may not be able to control the situations around us, but we can control our attitude and outlook on life. This man and woman provided me a service without meaning to or even realizing it.

It’s all in your attitude. What will yours be? If you stop to think about it, we really are all blessed.

Truly Blessed!

Count Your Blessings

It's amazing how much can happen in a year. A year ago today I received a phone call telling me my husband had been killed in a car accident. It's hard to believe I've been a widow for a year.

I've reflected a lot on the person I've become since getting that call. I've felt peaceful and calm all day today, which is a miracle and a blessing. Rather than crying and wishing I had a different lot in life, my mind has been filled with the words to the hymn "Count Your Many Blessings."

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings; Name them one by one.

Count your many blessings; See what God hath done.

 

For some reason, that song really hit home this week – especially today. I'd be lying if I said I never felt like I'd been tossed around in the storm of life or that I was being asked to go through too much. Richard G. Scott addresses this well. "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. . . they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching. This life is an experience in trust in Jesus Christ." ("Trust in the Lord")

Life tosses us in a tempest, but the Lord is there to calm the storm. Everyone has burdens, but the Lord is there to help carry the load. No matter the conflict, God is there. Angels WILL attend and help and comfort will be given. Could we ask for better blessings? 

What good does it do to sit and only think about all the negative in your life? I have plenty of reason to complain. I became a widow after seven and a half months of a marriage filled with trials and a husband facing multiple health challenges. I unexpectedly lost my dad 3 months later. Like everyone else, I have personal trials. In spite of all that, I have so many blessings: a fantastic job that I love, an amazing family, great friends, and a testimony of the gospel. I know that families are eternal. What wonderful blessings!!!

I dare you to stay discouraged and depressed while listing all the many blessings in your life. If you can't think of anything, start small. Perhaps the sun is shining. Maybe you got to sleep in. Perhaps you saw the first tulip blooming in your yard. These are all blessings. Start a list and see what God has done for you.

I am not wallowing in self pity today. Instead, I have been filled with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love! I am so blessed. I've been a widow for a year, but I've survived. I'm stronger than I was last year at this time. I know more than I did a year ago. I feel like I'm starting a new beginning, and what better time to start anew than spring. I know Reed and my dad are OK, and amazingly enough, I know that I will be OK, too! 

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Learning from the Grand Canyon

The Grand Canyon from the airplane window.

A couple of weeks ago I flew down to Phoenix to visit my sister for a quick trip. As I was flying home, I got to see the Grand Canyon from the window of the airplane as the sun was rising. I've flown over the Grand Canyon multiple times, but never in the early morning. I could see the layers upon layers of rock, the sharp ridges, and the varying shades of red and brown. I always felt like I was looking at a map when I flew over it before. The rising sun gave me a whole new perspective of that Canyon. I was struck at just how big it was and I started to think about how long it took for the Grand Canyon to become that majestic. Those thoughts reminded me of a talk given during the October General Conference last year of how each of us is a house the Lord is building. We may be looking to become a cottage, while the Lord is rebuilding us to be a mansion or castle.

The Grand Canyon wasn't a big, spectacular site when the world started. Erosion happened over hundreds of thousands of years. It probably started out like a little stream. I'm not sure of all the water, wind and earthquakes that it took to make such a large crevice in the earth, but I'm sure it wasn't an easy transformation. Imagine being the Grand Canyon with thousands of years passing while the water and wind are slowly wearing you down. I'd feel beat up, tired, and happy to just stay that little stream – comfortable with it. So, why change? I'm sure that little stream had no idea that it would become one of the wonders of the world. The rock bed that was slowly worn away had no idea of the beauty that would be revealed.

How are we any different? We start out this life like a little stream flowing pleasantly down a rock bed. With each storm the water flows faster, breaking away rocks and wearing the stream deeper. Each of us are being reshaped and transformed into a personal, majestic work of art. We don't see it now, but it's happening. With each trial, each struggle, each heartache, we are being transformed by the Lord to learn and grow and prove ourselves worthy. We are spiritual beings having a mortal experience on earth. We came hear to learn. We may not always like or appreciate the lesson being taught at the time, but hind sight is 20/20.

Just like a piano student hates to practice when they first start learning to play, each of us won't enter willingly into some of life's trials. However, just like a piano student who keeps practicing will come to love playing the piano, so will each of us look back on our mortal experience with fondness because of what we have become.

Unfortunately, this life wasn't meant to be easy. Fortunately, we have not been asked to go through this life alone.

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."

~ How Firm A Foundation, LDS Hymn Book, Verse 3 ~

Kink In Your Think?

The other night I was helping take down the last of the Christmas decorations, which basically consisted of the Charlie Brown tree Reed and I had bought for our first Christmas together. As I was taking it apart, I was struggling with the stand. I managed to get one of the three legs out without much trouble, but on leg two when I finally pulled it free, it scratched and bruised the palm of my hand. I had a goose egg building and as was natural I said "Ow-ee." Then I started to laugh at how I had hurt myself, and as only a girl could understand, the laughs turned into tears and I began to cry. I had a 180 degree flip in emotion. Oh, the joys of working through the grief cycle! The tears I had held in all through Christmas finally came out, all because Dad and Reed weren't there to pull that stupid tree stand apart and I had hurt myself trying to do what had been their job. At that realization, my mind went back to when I bashed my head under the stairs trying to pull out all of the Christmas decorations and the near concussion I had given myself. That just made me cry harder. Where was my dad when I needed him?!

Later that night as I was trying not to feel sorry for myself and the situation, I sat myself down in front of the television. To my delight, the Disney Pixar short films was on one of the channels so I started watching it. One of the first ones that came on was "Boundin". In Boundin', there is a sheep that dances around and has lots of friends. He gets carried away and shaved and put back, after which all his animal friends laugh at him because he's pink and fur-less. As he's sitting there feeling sorry for himself, a Jack-a-lope comes hopping by and stops to talk to him. As the sheep explains his predicament the Jackalope says, ". . . Now sometimes you're up, and sometimes your down. When you find that your down, well just look around. Ya still got a body, good legs and fine feet. Get your head in the right place and hey you're complete. . ."

For some reason that gave me a gentle reminder. I was fighting the sadness and discouragement, but it was creeping in. Who knew a rabbit with antlers could make so much sense?! I may not love my situation every minute of every day, but as long as I'm pushing to look around when I'm down, I'll be able to find something to help lift me up.

Grandpa Ray Johansen with my sisters & me

It's all a matter of where your mindset is. It's easier said than done to get your head in the right place and keep it there. Trust me, I know. But I also know that it is possible.

My Grandpa was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before my mom was born. He spent the greater part of his life in a wheelchair without the use of his body from the waist down. Despite that challenge, he was always cheerful, looked for opportunities to serve others, and when he got sick and was in the hospital, he was the nurses' favorite. He'd order Chinese food for the staff, tell jokes, and keep a pleasant demeanor. He had every reason in the world to justify being bitter. He'd lost the use of his legs, he suffered from sores, among other things. But his mind was sharp. He was cheerful and he made an effort to let the cheer spread to others. When life got him down he got his head in the right place.

If he can do it, so can I! I promise, you can too, if you try.

Our Greatest Fear

Do you ever worry about failing or not being good enough for a task placed in front of you? Do you ever worry that you are inadequate? You're not alone!

 

I'm starting a new job in January. I'm excited for the new opportunity and like any new job, I feel nervous about my ability to meet expectations set by my new team and myself. Maybe it's just me, but I'm afraid of failing. As I was contemplating this dilemma and trying to decide what I was so nervous about, this poem came to my mind: 

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 ~ Marianne Williamson ~

How true that quote is! How completely ironic! What an interesting idea that we really aren't afraid of being inadequate, but actually going beyond what we thought possible. Why are we afraid of setting the bar higher? Why are we so afraid of striving for the potential that lies inside us?

 

The Lord has placed us on this earth to learn and have experiences that will help us grow and gain knowledge. We truly have power beyond our imagining, but we can't grow into that ability if we don't allow ourselves that chance. It's like the parable of the talents in the New Testament. The servant who buried his talents lost them. LDS.org Parable of the talents

 

So what if you don't succeed the first time you try something! How many times did it take Thomas Edison to succeed in creating a light bulb? It's OK to fail, just learn from your mistakes and keep pushing beyond your fear of being inadequate. Allow your light to shine! Allow yourself to realize the power and ability you hold within and embrace it!

 

Reach for the stars and eventually you will hit them.

What Not To Say

For months I have been telling friends at some point I would write a blog on what not to say to someone who has just lost their spouse. In essence, a "Funerals and Viewings 101 - What NOT to Say." I'm sharing my knowledge from real world experience.

Rule #1 - When in a viewing line, don't approach the wife (or husband) of the deceased and ask if they are the other sibling. I'm not joking! I had this happen at my husband's viewing. Last I checked, the wife stands closest to the open casket, not the sister. When in doubt, just don't ask.

Rule #2  - When talking to the newly widowed at the viewing and/or funeral, don't push them to remarry, consider remarriage, or ask if they plan to remarry. The person has just lost their spouse. I promise you, getting remarried is the farthest thing from their mind. You may be happy in your second marriage after losing your spouse, but when there is a body in a casket next to the widow, that is NOT the time to bring up getting married. Death is not like being dumped. You can't just go home, eat a gallon of ice cream, and start dating the next day. Especially for girls, we need time to heal.

Rule #3 - Viewings and funerals can be awkward for those who haven't dealt with that situation much. The best thing you can do at a viewing is just take the person's hand and give it a squeeze. You don't have to say anything. Let them know you are there, let them know you care, and you can do all of this without opening your mouth. Heck, you can even hug them if you know them. If you feel the need to say something, don't talk about how good the dead person looks in the casket. I promise you, the family probably thinks the body in the casket hardly resembles the family member they lost. Don't say the dead person could be sleeping and don't tell them the person's spirit is sitting on the casket. If you are going to speak, say you are sorry for their loss or tell them something nice about the individual who has passed away and leave it at that.

Rule #4 - When you see the newly widowed after the funeral, whether it's weeks or months after, don't bring up their need to remarry. Don't ask them how the single's scene is. Don't ask if they are out dating. Chances are, they aren't being incredibly social, they aren't dating, and they are still not ready to consider going out on a date. Don't ask, don't offer to set them up, and don't assume. If they are out dating or wanting to date, they will bring it up when they are ready.

Rule #5 - Three months after the funeral is typically when the shock wears off and reality sets in. Denial has completely left and the realization that the widow really lost a spouse sets in. Most people make the mistake thinking that three months is enough time to heal and move on. I'm here to tell you, it's not. Three months is usually when things start to get tough. You have to start to find that new normal in life, without your spouse. People asked me how I was doing all the time. I told them and still tell them I am hanging in there, pushing through, surviving, etc. But for the first 3-4 months, what really went through my head was, "Seriously? How would you be doing?" You are welcome to ask, but know it's a stupid question. Either you will get an honest answer that you won't know how to respond to, or you will get fed a lie. Take your pick.

Now that I've given you the DO NOT's, here are some DO's

DO - Call and just listen. Someone going through the loss of a spouse needs to talk. Sometimes they will laugh, sometimes they will cry, and sometimes they may just vent and be angry. The point is, they need to talk. They need to relive the memories that were good and work through their grief. My mom has cousins and siblings that call her to talk and listen. I have a friend who has been awesome to let me talk about the same frustrations and the same happy memories over and over again. She never gets annoyed or complains. She knows I need to talk about it, remember the good times, and sort through the cluster of feelings.

DO - Invite them to do things. Start small. They won't be ready for a big social event. Take them to lunch, visit the spa, or go shopping with them. Get them out of the house and help them build new memories. Mention other social functions they are welcome to attend, but don't pressure them to join. Don't get frustrated if they decline every time, just keep offering. They will come when they are ready.

DO - Share pictures and stories of the deceased. Chances are, you may share something new that will become a treasure to the widow. The stories I love best are the one's that help me remember how much Reed cared for me.

The most important thing you can do is constantly care about them, make an effort to stay in contact with them, and offer encouragement and strength.

Be patient and remember: it takes time for the grieving heart to heal.

A New Perspective

Do you ever feel like you are fighting a losing battle? I do, more often than I'd like to admit. I have learned a valuable lesson over the last two weeks, one I hope I never forget.

Life is full of teaching moments it seems. Most lessons are not welcomed at the time they are being taught. Some, I think we bring upon ourselves. Others, I believe the Lord places before us for reasons beyond our understanding. The lesson I have learned over the last two weeks is one I have brought upon myself, but one the Lord guided me through with the help of some very dear friends.

I have come to know that Satan's best way of getting at me is through discouragement and self-doubt. Since before my husband passed away I have considered creating a vocal CD of hymn arrangements. At the time, it was a fleeting dream, but there wasn't much ambition behind it. After Reed passed, the ambition for the CD came as a promise of healing for me and others beyond my limited view. When my father passed, the idea of releasing my own CD became a stronger ambition. Two weeks ago, I made the mistake of allowing self-doubt to enter my mind. I made the mistake of comparing my talents to others. It was a foolish thing to do. Every person that walks this earth is unique, has unique gifts and talents, and has a special purpose and mission in this life. To compare oneself to another only destroys what God has intended for each of us. The apostles constantly warn of the dangers of comparing oneself to another. We should cherish the gifts we have and strive to develop new ones. Not get caught up in what we don't have, or what we wish we had. I fell into the trap of comparing.

I began talking to a friend about my lack of confidence and questioned why I would be crazy enough to even consider releasing a CD. She told me to stop comparing myself to other people, told me that if I had the desire I should do it and not worry if the CD was a success or not. She offered such positive advice, unfortunately it took a few more days to sink in. I had just about talked myself out of trying when I had a talk with another friend. Something clicked during that discussion. She also talked about the dangers of comparing myself to others. She reminded me that it was a slippery slope to a downward spiral. She then turned her focus to asking why I had initially wanted to try to release a CD. I shared my desire to help myself heal from the trauma of the last year, as well as the hope that the music would help others find peace, hope and healing as well. She then asked me a simple question that had a huge impact.

"If your goal is to offer hope and healing to others, 

shouldn't success be measured by helping even one person?"

For some reason, phrasing it that way finally knocked some sense into me. I suddenly realized it didn't matter if I sold 1, 100 or even 1,000 CDs. It didn't matter if I had an amazing voice that would top the charts. What mattered was the message and the feeling behind the words. When I do manage to arrange music, I feel guided toward the melody. I never feel I can claim the ownership of the arrangement because I know I had help, it's never all me. The music is a way for me to share my testimony with others. Even if I only get rid of one CD, I will have succeeded. My testimony will have reached at least one person, and if my prayers are answered, in some way, the music on the CD will help that one person find hope and healing at some point during their mortal journey.  As soon as that

"Let Your Light So Shine" by Simon Dewey

realization clicked, the discouragement I had felt for two weeks was gone! Even if I only touched one person, I would make a difference somehow.

I don't know what the Lord has planned for me. I don't know what lies ahead on my path. I do know that He is there guiding me, He is guiding each of us. We are never left alone! What a blessing to know that we are loved that much by a Heavenly Father! We are destined for greater things!

As I was sitting in sacrament today, I opened the Hymn book and it just happened to open to one of my dad's favorite hymns, "How Firm a Foundation". I have often read versus three, four, and five, but for some reason today, I was drawn to verse 7:

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

What a strong reminder. Before, I had wondered if the Lord was hearing my prayers. Everything clicked today. He was there, He had heard. He had answered my prayers through friends who cared for me. He had helped me piece the puzzles together to remind myself that I should not doubt the testimony I have been given. Satan is giving his best shot at pulling me down, I have a renewed desire singing inside of me, "I'll never, no never, no never forsake!" God lives and loves each of us. He is there and He hears our prayers. He may not come when we call, but He will come on time!